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| I'm Watching |
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| Babysitter (Joe): Well, I know..I know that, but he's called six times already. I'm babysitting, and I'm here all alone. Well..I- I'm getting really |
| scared, I am. Wha- would you, would you just trace the call, please? Will you just please do that for me please? Will you just do that, trace the |
| call? |
|
| (phone rings) |
| Voice on phone: I'm still watching you! |
|
| (Phone rings again) |
| Babysitter: Listen you crazy bastard! I've already called the- |
|
| Cop (on phone): Linda, Linda. It's me, Sgt. Muldoon. Check the other phone. We've traced the call. Linda, the call is coming from inside your |
| pants. Get out of your pants. Linda, do you hear me? For God's sake, get out of your pants! |
|
| Babysitter: (Looking in her pants) AHHHH! |
|
| Pre-school Narc |
|
| Narrator (Mike B): Before these children are old enough for the first grade, chances are, they will be offered drugs. To stop this problem, the federal |
| police have placed several deep-cover narcotics officers. One of these children is, in fact that officer. |
|
| Officer (Ben): Oh, yeah. Our undercover nursery school program has been very successful. Much more successful than some of our other programs. |
| The undercover traffic cops didn't work out. The undercover park ranger program was, well...pointless. But I've really worked my way into the |
| Midvale Elementary School system. I'm close to finding the pusher, and I brought our T-Ball team to number one. |
|
| (To little girl) Tying your shoes, huh? |
|
| Little Girl: Yeah, it's hard. |
|
| Officer: Why, are you on grass? |
| Yeah. It's tough, I mean...I've been undercover for this many. But you never forget you're a cop. |
|
| Kid: Duck, duck, goose! |
|
| Officer: Freeze! |
| I mingle, I network, I keep my ear to the ground. |
|
| (To little boy) You know where I can score some blow? |
|
| Teacher (Kerri): No talking. |
|
| Officer: And then, all at once, it all pays off. |
|
| (He sees bad-ass kid (Mike B) counting cash, and a chase scene ensues.) |
|
| Teacher: No running, guys. |
|
| Officer: Police officer! |
|
| Teacher: Still no running! |
|
| Officer: He turned out clean, counting milk money. We nailed him for eating glue, but the judge let him off with a note his parents had to sign. |
|
| Kids: Paul is a narc! Paul is a narc! |
|
| Officer: My cover was blown, but I wouldn't call the mission a total waste. I can tie my shoes now. |
|
| Monkey Noises |
|
| Voice-over (Kevin): The following color bars and monkey noises are closed-captioned for the hearing impaired. |
|
| Get a Job |
|
| Wally (Ken): You see what I'm sayin' Wilson? Everybody likes eating salad, but nobody likes preparing 'em, right? So what we do is, we make |
| an enormous tossed salad in like, the uhh..the trunk of my car. Then we drive around the neighborhood, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba...makin' mixed salad for |
| everybody, all the neighbors, make a lot of money, we call it the a, the uhh.. |
|
| Wilson (Mike B): The green machine? |
|
| Wally: Yes, the green machine. Then we paint ourselves green, stick tomatoes in our ears, it's a promotional thing, you know? |
|
| Ma (Kerri): Wally! Wally! |
|
| Wally: I'm out here, Ma. |
|
| Ma: I should have known, I thought maybe you went out to get a job. |
|
| Wally: What am I nuts? I'm working on it, Ma. Don't you realize that I'm working on it? |
|
| Ma: How can you be working on it, when all you do is sit around the garage all day wit' Wilson? Wilson, how do you eat? |
|
| Wilson: Well, I was hoping I could stay for dinner tonight, Mrs. Corchese. |
|
| Ma: Sweetheart, why don't you try the Taco Hut, they're hiring. |
|
| Wally: What am I nuts, what am I nuts? Do-do I look "Taco Hut" to you? Wilson? |
|
| Wilson: No. |
|
| Wally: Ma, Ma, Ma, do you even know what they do with that Taco Hut with their bovine growth hormones in their meat that have been |
| medically proven to lower the sperm count in laboratory rats, Ma? Is that what you want, Ma? Do you want your son's sperm lowered, Ma? Do |
| you want your grandchildren to be laboratory rats, Ma? Wilson? |
|
| Wilson: I would not like my grandchildren to be laboratory rats, no. |
|
| Ma: Sweetheart, you have to get a job. |
|
| Wally: Ma! I look for one everyday, but I'm never gonna find one. |
|
| Ma: Why? |
|
| Wally: Because the man is keepin' me down, Ma. |
|
| Ma: Your father? |
|
| Wally: No Ma, the Man. The big boy, the government guy, the gravy-maker, the money-taker, Ma. Whitey, Ma. Whitey's keepin' me down! |
| What am I nuts? it's all a conspiracy, ain't that right, Wilson? |
|
| Wilson: Absotutely! |
| Ma: Wilson, don't you have a home? |
|
| Wilson: Well, I was hopin' I could crash here tonight, if that would be all right, Mrs. Corchese. |
|
| Ma: Sweetheart, why don't you try getting a job at the bowling alley? |
|
| Wally: What am I nuts? Right, grab me a stubby yellow pencil, so I can start writing strikes and spare marks on my college degree. |
|
| Ma: Sweetheart, I brought someone over to talk to you about getting a job, it's your uncle Al. AL!! |
|
| Wally: Ma.... |
|
| Al (Mike S): Hey, Howie (?) my boy. Tuddakinny! Tuddakinny! Tuddakinny! Hey Wally, why don't you come with me, get a job at the |
| docks! |
|
| Wally: The docks? What am I nuts? Are my eyes bulging out? is my face turning a turquoise color? I feel like I'm being choked by a blue collar |
| here! |
|
| Al: Oh, Wally...everybody's workin' there. |
|
| Wally: Uncle Al, Uncle Al. Do I look like a cow? what am I nuts? Have I been talking in "moos" this whole time? I mean, that's a job for |
| cattle. Wilson, have I been mooing? |
|
| Wilson: You have not bee mooing or ...(?)... to my knowledge, no. |
|
| (Pop (Joe) enters) |
| Wally: Pop. |
|
| Pop: Get a job. |
|
| Wally: What am I nuts? |
|
| Pop: Get a job. |
|
| Wally: But, Dad...my sperm, it'll evaporate. |
|
| Pop: Get a job. |
|
| Wally: But, Pop, the man is keepin' me down! |
|
| Pop: Get a job. |
|
| Wally: But Dad, the minimum wage is bad, Pop, it's bad. Wilson? |
|
| Pop: Wilson, go home. |
| Get a job or you don't eat here anymore. |
|
| Wally: A job! Ha-hey! What am I nuts, that's a great idea. I'm gonna go get a job, and then I'll come back here and get something to eat... |
|
| Pop: You see Al, you just gotta be stern with the boy. You know, these kids today, they get all these crazy ideas in their head...Yeah, ay ohh. |
| You know, Al, what I'm in the mood for? |
|
| Al: What is that, Rich? |
|
| Pop: I am in the mood for a great big tossed salad. |
|
| Ma: Oh, yeah. That sounds good. |
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| Al: Yeah, me too. I don't feel like preparin' one though. |
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| Pop: Well, that's the thing, you know, preparing a salad, it's just such a pain in the ass. |
|
| Al: Right in the ass, right in the ass. |
|
| Jurassic Park |
|
| Announcer: Now through October 10th at the St. James Theater, Tony Award winner Steven Carlyse, is his acclaimed one-man show, "Jurassic |
| Park." |
|
| Steven (Tom): Welcome...to Jurassic Park. |
| Woughhh! Woughhh! |
|
| Announcer: All the excitement of the largest grossing movie of all time, brought to life by a shining star of the American stage. |
|
| Steven: Dammit! Can't you see? Without misery, I can't get Jurassic Park back alive. |
|
| Announcer: Plus, seven new songs by Grammy winner Terence Donahue. |
|
| Steven: This is a crazy island. |
| With dinosaurs everywhere. |
| I wish I never came here. |
| They're really getting in my hair! |
|
| Announcer: Now through October 10th at the St. James Theater, Steven Carlyse in "Jurassic Park." |
|
| Steven: Tim! Lex! Rrrun! Ruuuun! Ah! |
|
| Norwegian Cruise |
|
| Kerri: This vacation, I will wear a bikini everywhere. |
|
| Mike J: I will be drunk before 10 a.m. |
|
| Kerri: I will use my charm to seduce a hand puppet. |
|
| Mike J: I will pretend I am a priest and expose myself to donkeys. |
|
| Kerri: I will make love to a clown. |
|
| Mike J: I will send postcards to my socks. |
|
| Kerri: I will break bottles with my ass. |
|
| Mike J: I will be assassinated by monkeys. |
| Things are a little different out here. |
| I will teach potatoes to swim. The hard way. |
| Maybe I should just stay home. |
|
| Battleship I |
|
| Mike B: B3? |
|
| Tom: That's a hit. That's my destroyer. |
|
| Mike B: Well, you know the rules. |
|
| Tom: (takes his pants off.) Yeah. |
|
| Mike B: You know, this uhh...this game would be a lot more fun if I had any desire at all to see you naked. |
|
| Tom: Yep. Yep. Ditto. Uhh...D2? |
|
| Mike B: That's a hit. That's a hit. (taking off his shirt.) |
|
| Copy Shop |
|
| Johnny (Ken): Good afternoon, sir. |
|
| Mike S: Good afternoon. |
|
| Johnny: How can I help you today? |
|
| Mike S: I'd like some copies please. |
|
| Johnny: Okay. |
|
| Mike S: Give me all the money in your cash register! |
|
| Johnny: Give me all the money in your cash register! |
|
| Mike S: What is this, a joke? |
|
| Johnny: What is this, a joke? |
|
| Mike S: I'm serious man, I'll do it! |
|
| Johnny: I'm serious man, I'll do it! |
|
| Mike S: What are you doing? |
|
| Johnny: What are you doing? |
|
| Mike S: Oh, I see. |
|
| Johnny: Oh, I see. |
|
| Mike S: Oh, that's very funny. |
|
| Johnny: Oh, that's very funny. |
|
| Mike S: Ha ha ha. |
|
| Johnny: Ha ha ha. |
|
| Both: Do you realise I'm crazy? I got nothing to lose! There's a gun in here, and I might use it! |
| Arrghh! Errr! Shh, not me you, shh, not me, no no no! No! Ahhh! |
|
| Johnny: Ver good, sir. That'll be three dollars and fourteen cents. You know what? Make it three dollars, those last couple of copies weren't even |
| full sentences. |
|
| Mike S: I'm not gonna pay you for that! |
|
| Johnny: Oh! Well, we don't give out freebies here, sir. (Whistles) Officer! |
|
| Cop (Tom): What's going on in here? |
|
| Johnny: What's going on in here? |
|
| Cop: Ha ha. (Throws him a quarter) |
|
| Johnny: Nah, that's one's on me Jack. |
|
| Cop: Ah, thank you, Johnny. So, what seems to be the problem? |
|
| Johnny: Oh, well I gave this guy a bunch of copies, and he refuses to pay me for 'em. |
|
| Joe: I need to get a three-color copy please. |
|
| Johnny: Certainly, Sir. Jerry! |
|
| (Jerry (Ben) enters. He's painted three different colors.) |
| Jerry: Can I help you? |
|
| Joe: Have you seen my doggie? |
|
| Jerry: Have you seen my doggie? |
|
| Joe: His name is Rufus. |
|
| Jerry: His name is Rufus. |
|
| Joe: And he's brown. |
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| Jerry: And he's brown. |
|
| Joe: And he's got big floppy ears. |
|
| Jerry: And he's got big floppy ears. |
|
| Joe: That's perfect, thanks very much. |
|
| Johnny: Thank you sir, have a very good day. Now Jack, Jack...this guy refuses to pay me, I'm about to get my afternoon rush. |
|
| Cop: Hey, man. I'm taking you downtown. |
|
| Mike S: All right. Here's your three bucks. I'll be back. |
|
| Johnny: Right. |
| Ah, all right here they come, Jerry...I need you out here ASAP! Come on Jerry let's go. |
|
| (All being copied) |
|
| Mike B: How you doin' okay. Now this too ...(?)... it's too much, it's too much! |
|
| Todd: I don't want to sound like an idiot, but duh duh duh... |
|
| David: How ya doing? And now, the world's greatest animal trainer, Gunther Gable Williams! |
|
| Kerri: Taxi! Taxi! Taxi! |
|
| All: Ahh....Beer Beer Beer Biddily Beer Beer Beer! |
|
| Mike S: (returns) You! You see this? (Hits his head with a baseball bat) Give me six-hundred of those! |
| And you! Beer Beer Beer... |
|
| All: Biddily Beer Beer Beer! Beer Beer Beer... |
|
| (Mike S robs the shop while everyone else is singing.) |
|
| Battleship II |
|
| (Both are now completely nude) |
|
| Mike B: Well, what do you feel like doing now? |
|
| Tom: I don't know. I'm sorta thinking about putting my pants on. |
|
| Mike B: Yeah. Me too, me too. |
|
| Tom: Yeah. |
|
| Mike B: This-this was maybe a bad idea. |
|
| Tom: Yeah. |
|
| Super Friends |
|
| Announcer: Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice... |
|
| Wonder Woman (Kerri): Superman, it's Flash. |
|
| Flash (Ben): (Runs in) Uh! (Panting) Fire...kids...hurry... Oh! |
|
| Aquaman (Mike B): Can I get you some water? |
|
| Flash: Please. |
|
| Batman (David): Good, Flash is already here. You all know what to do. |
|
| All: No. |
|
| Batman: Well, the volcano's exploded, we've got to act fast. |
|
| Superman (Ken): Right, Batman, Robin, you find some way to block future transmissions. Wonder Woman, you stop Dr. Spiker, and find out |
| what he knows. Flash, run to the Andes Mountains, and get those plants. I'll go stop the missiles that have already been launched. Aquaman, |
| you go...talk to some fish! |
|
| All (except Aquaman): (Laughing hysterically) |
|
| Superman: Break! Let's go! |
|
| Flash: Oh! Taxi! |
|
| Eating Muppet |
|
| Announcer: Meanwhile on the other side of town, unbeknownst to the Superfriends, a very pleasant dinner party was well underway. |
|
| Flash: Taxi, please. |
|
| Mrs. Bob (Todd): Oh, thank you both so much for finally having us over to your new place. |
|
| Steve (Mike S): Well, we are so happy you could be here. |
|
| Kerri: I'm going to the kitchen, would anybody like anything else? |
|
| Bob (Ken): Yeah, yeah. Could I get some more of this neon blue...I think it's meat? |
|
| Kerri: Sure Bob. |
|
| Bob: What is it, it's terrific! |
|
| Steve: Isn't it? |
|
| Bob: Yeah. |
|
| Steve: We never had any until we moved to the area, but now we are hooked! |
|
| Mrs. Bob: Is it fish? |
|
| Kerri: No, it's muppet. |
|
| Bob: I'll be darned. I didn't know you could eat muppet. |
|
| Kerri: Well, yeah, it was Steve's idea. We backed over one our first night here. |
|
| Bob: Huh? |
|
| Steve: Yeah, the little guy was learning his numbers off the licence plate, and it seemed like a waste to bury it, so I said, "Hey, let's fry it up!" |
|
| Bob: Waste, not want ...(?)... |
|
| Mrs. Bob: That's awful, eating run-over muppet! |
|
| Kerri: Oh, no. We didn't run over this one. Steve's become quite the hunter, haven't you sweetie? |
|
| Steve: Honey... |
|
| Kerri: Why don't you show 'em? |
|
| Steve: All right. |
|
| Bob: Come on Steve, (mumbles) |
|
| Steve: You're gonna love it, you're gonna love it. |
| (out the window) I sure could use some help counting to four. |
|
| Muppet: Well, we could start by counting the legs on our table. |
| Wha-ooww! (As Steve breaks its neck) |
|
| Bob: Oh no. Now, I'll never know how many legs a table has. |
|
| All: (laugh) |
|
| Bob: Hey, they got a lot of meat on there. |
|
| Kerri: Oh, but that's a green one. Try for a blue one, Steve. We only have red wine. |
|
| Bob: Oh, ooh! Can I try? Would that be okay? |
|
| Steve: Sure, yeah. |
|
| Bob: I wanna give it a shot. |
| Gee, the bus station is far. I wonder what's near. |
|
| Big Monster Muppet: Near. |
|
| Steve: Show us...far. |
|
| Big Monster Muppet: Far.... |
|
| Steve: Yikes! |
|
| Bob: I was full anyway. |
|
| Kerri: Why don't you take one home as a pet? |
|
| Bob: That's a great idea. |
|
| Steve: The kids will love it! |
| Boy, I sure do wish I knew how to tie my shoes...I may trip...I wonder what words start with the letter "O"...I wonder... |
|
| David: Well, let's sing the "O" song, then. And it's gonna help you tie your shoes, too. |
| Did you know that I love that letter "O" |
| Tie up my old shoe- |
|
| Mrs. Bob: (over David's singing) I'm not taking that home to my son, because I'll end up cleaning up after it. |
|
| David: Hey, let's sing a song about Oregon, Oh! |
| OH!!! (as Steve breaks his neck.) |
|
| Kerri: Stay for desert? |
|
| Bob: Sure, always have room for that. |
|
| High Brow/ Low Brow |
|
| Joe: Hi. We're The State. You know, we've received a lot of reviews of our show. Some good, some bad. But here's two that we'd like to share |
| with you right now. This is from the Chicago Sun Times, who gave us three stars. "MTV's The State slices and dices hypocrisy." Mmm. |
| Mmm! And this is from the New York Post, who gave us a negative two stars, which is two stars less than no stars at all. "There seems to be a |
| consensus fixation on penises and nascent peter-panism." I don't know...I don't know. Anyway, we've realized that, you know, different people like |
| or dislike the show for different reasons, so tonight, we thought it'd be a great idea if we were all things to all people. Enjoy. |
|
| (Split screen. Left caption, "Low Brow" It's Ken in overalls looking strangely similar to an Inbred Brother playing with a whoopee cushion, and |
| laughing hysterically. Right caption, "High Brow" with a suave looking Tom telling this barely-audible joke-) |
|
| Tom: So, Winston Churchill, when he was the Prime Minister, was at a dinner party, and he was seated next to a VERY attractive young lady. |
| And Churchill turns to her, and he says, "Madam, would you have intercourse with me for a hundred thousand pounds?" And the lady says, "Why |
| yes, I would." So then Churchill says, "Would you have intercourse with me for ten thousand?" And the lady says, "Why Mr. Churchill, what do |
| you think I am?" And Churchill says, "We've already determined that. Now we're just trying to decide on a price." |
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