|
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 |
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|
| Beardan High |
|
| Cheerleader (Joe): Whats the greatest school around? |
|
| Crowd: Beardan High! |
|
| Cheerleader: And whos the winningest team in town? |
|
| Crowd: Beardan High! |
|
| Cheerleader: And what school do we go to? |
|
| Crowd: Oakland! |
|
| Cheerleader: So what are we going to do about it? |
|
| Crowd: Cry! |
|
| Cheerleader: I said, what are we going to do about it? |
|
| Crowd: Cry! |
|
| Boy in Barn |
|
| (Mike B. walks into a classroom) |
|
| Mr. Malport (Mike S): Hello Bill. |
|
| Bill (Mike B.): Hi. Sorry I'm late. |
|
| Mr. Malport: Aren't you forgeting something Bill? |
|
| Bill: Uhhh... |
|
| Mr. Malport: The door. Bill. You left the door open. Were you raised in a barn? |
|
| Class: Haha! Were you raised in a barn? Haha! |
|
| (Bill runs out of classroom) |
|
| Joe: He was. He was raised in a barn. Aahhhh! |
|
| (Bill runs home to barn) |
|
| Mom (Kerri): Bill, what are you doing home from school? And what are you doing with the door? |
|
| Dad (Ken): Billy, that door is to stay open at all times. You know that. Now, what, I say what is going on here? |
|
| Bill: Everyone at school makes fun of me because I'm different. Because I'm barnfolk. |
|
| Mom: Well, barnfolk are different. |
|
| Dad: First of all, we live in a barn. And we smell real bad from all the filthy animals. |
|
| Bill: I just wanna be normal. |
|
| Mom: Huh! (slaps Bill) Go to your room! |
|
| Dad: Clean it up, it looks like a pigsty. |
|
| Bill: It is a pigsty! |
|
| Dad: Don't, I say, don't talk back! |
|
| (returns on horseback after a thinking in his room for a while) |
| Bill: You're right. I'm not the one with the problem. They are. I'm going back to school! |
|
| (at school) |
| Mr. Malport: Bill, the door. |
|
| Bill: What about it? |
|
| Mr. Malport: Close it! |
|
| Bill: Hey teach, closin' doors ain't my way. |
|
| Mr. Malport: Why, were you raised-- |
|
| Bill: IN A BARN?? Yes I was. And I am proud of it! I'm barnfolk, Mr. Malport, and your fancy door-closing ways will never change that. Being |
| barnfolk may not mean a whole lot to people like you, but to me it means sleeping with a pig instead of in a bed. It means eating dinner out of a-- |
|
| Ben (in drag, of course): Trough. Instead of off the table. I was raised in a barn too, Bill. |
|
| Todd: Me too. |
|
| Kevin: I was raised on a houseboat in Spain. But, I guess that's not really appropriate. |
|
| Mr. Malport: You're right Bill. We've learned a very valuable lesson today. We're one class. We should all get along as equals. Except for Tom, his |
| parents are coal miners. |
|
| Class: Haha! your parents are coal miners! haha! |
|
| Sandwich |
|
| Sandwich Puppet (Tom's voice): We here at the State mean no offense to coal miners. Seriously, some of our best friends are coal miners. In the |
| future we will go to great lengths to avoid stereotyping of any kind. |
|
| The Jew, The Italian, and The Red Head Gay |
|
| David (Jew), Ken (Italian) and Kevin (Red head Gay): The Jew, the Italian and the Red Head Gay, we all live together on Avenue A, we have zany |
| adventures from day to day. |
|
| David: The Jew! |
|
| Ken: The Italian! |
|
| Kevin: And the Red Head Gay! |
|
| David: Come on Ken, it's the end of the month. We need the money for the rent, where's the money? |
|
| Ken: Oh, I'm sorry Dave, I spent it all on pasta. I'm gonna make a big tomato sauce. |
|
| Kevin: Oh, I would help you with that Ken, but I'm busy picking out these pretty curtain patterns for the apartment. |
|
| David: Fine, I'm gonna go get some bagels, I guess. |
|
| Kevin: Okay. Toodleoo schnookums! |
|
| Ken: All right Dave, Ariverderchi! |
|
| Ken, David, and Kevin: The Jew, the Italian and the Red Head Gay, we all live together on Avenue A, we each see the world in our own way. |
|
| David: The Jew! |
|
| Ken: The Italian! |
|
| Gay: And the Red--Head--ha--Gaaaaaaaaaay!!! |
|
| (great 70's disco music) |
|
| Whole Cast in ridiculous costumes: The Red Head Gaaaay, the red head gaaaay, the red head gaaaaaay. The red head gay! |
|
| Blueberry Johnson |
|
| Speaker Phone: Gina, Bruce, Blueberry Johnson's here to pitch you the new children's show. |
|
| Gina (Kerri): Terrific, Evan, send him in! |
|
| Bruce (Joe): This is that television producer you were telling me about, right? |
|
| Gina: Yes. He's fantastic. |
|
| Bruce: Great. |
|
| Blueberry Johnson (Mike S); Hi Gina, Hi Bruce. |
|
| Bruce: Hey. |
|
| Gina: Hi Blueberry. |
|
| Blueberry: Wow. I love your office. I love it. I love it I love it I love it I love it! |
|
| Gina: Sweetheart, we hear you have an idea for new children's television show. |
|
| Blueberry: Yeah,I do. It's gonna be great. You're gonna love it. You're gonna love it love it love it love it. |
|
| Bruce: Great, tell us about it. |
|
| Blueberry: Well, it's for little kids, We're gonna play games, and we're gonna go to the zoo, and we're just gonna have a lot of fun learning. You're |
| gonna love it. |
|
| Gina: I love it already. |
|
| Bruce: I'm sold. |
|
| Blueberry: Yeah. It's gonna be called "Blueberry Muffins in the Morning:" |
|
| Gina and Bruce: Yeah. |
|
| Blueberry: "With Blueberry Johnson." |
|
| Gina and Bruce: Ohh. |
|
| Bruce: Wait a second Blueberry, don't tell me you wanna host the show. |
|
| Blueberry: Yeah! |
|
| Bruce: But, Blueberry, no candor (?) you're a producer. Okay. You're not an actor. You know, you don't strike me as the children's show type. |
|
| Blueberry: I know, but look at me. I look like a big melon (?) Kids love me. I was born this way, I really like this. |
|
| Gina: Well, that may be true Blueberry, but you can't host the show. |
|
| Blueberry: No. NO! oh... but I'm perfect for the job. I look like a big blueberry, and I talk like a puppet. Kids love me. I was put on this earth to |
| host a children's show. |
|
| Bruce: You know, you've had a lot of experience behind the camera. |
|
| Gina: Behind the camera. |
|
| Bruce: But you've never hosted a children's show. |
|
| Blueberry: I know that Bruce, but I'm trying-- |
|
| Gina: Maybe if you took an acting class or something, Blueberry. |
|
| Blueberry: Well, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I don't need to take an acting class, I look like a blueberry. Can't you see that? How many |
| people do you know that were born with blue hair, and talk like one of the chipmunks? |
|
| Bruce: Other than you? |
|
| Blueberry: Yeah! |
|
| Bruce: None. |
|
| Blueberry: See! I mean, what am I missing here? |
|
| Gina: Well, I thought you'd produce the show Blueberry. I mean, we need your editing skills. |
|
| Blueberry: My editing skills Gina? I don't want to edit the show, I wanna host it. OH! Whoa whoa whoa whoa! |
|
| Bruce: But Blueberry, what makes you think that you'd be a good children's show host? |
|
| Blueberry: I'M A FREAK OF NATURE BRUCE! I can not honestly believe that you're being this much of a moron. I have a decade of experience |
| in children's television, I'm a tireless worker, kids love me, and to top it all off, I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING BLUEBERRY! |
| Whoa whoa whoa. |
|
| Gina: But what makes you think you're right for the job? |
|
| Blueberry: I LOOK LIKE A BLUEBERRY! WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK HEADS? I LOOK LIKE A |
| BLUEBERRY! ARE WE CLEAR? |
|
| Bruce: Yeah, I think so... |
|
| Blueberry: ARE WE CLEAR?!!!! |
|
| Gina: Yes, Blueberry the job is yours. |
|
| Blueberry: Oh. I love it. I love it. I love it I love it I love it I love it I love it. Bye Gina, Bye Bruce! |
|
| Bruce: We're not--we're not actually gonna let him host the show, are we? |
|
| Gina: No. I mean, you know who'd be perfect for the job? |
|
| Both: Richard Dreyfuss. |
|
| Bruce: Yeah, although we're never gonna get Richard Dreyfuss. |
|
| (in studio) |
| Blueberry: Okay, and five, four, three, camera two zoom in, and we are out people...Nice job Richard, I love it. |
|
| Voice: May I have a glass of water, please? |
|
| Blueberry: Incoming... |
|
| Let's Move Out |
|
| (Soldiers in a war) |
| Sarge (Ben): All right. Let's move out! |
|
| Joe: Me too, Sarge? |
|
| Sarge: Yes, you too Plumber. |
|
| Mike B: And me Sarge? |
|
| Sarge: Yes, Verez, everybody. Let's go! |
|
| Ken: Uhh.. and me Sarge? Me too? |
|
| Sarge: Everyone in the whole platoon. We're moving on! |
|
| Tom: Umm.. you didn't mean me as well, did you Sarge? |
|
| Sarge: Yes, I did Johnson. We're all going. |
|
| Kevin: You going too Sarge? |
|
| Sarge: Yes. I'm going too. Every one of us are. |
|
| Kerri: All eleven of us, Sarge? |
|
| Sarge: All eleven. Each, and every soldier. |
|
| Mike S: I--uh... I guess that means me and Lefty, too. Huh, Sarge? |
|
| Sarge: Yes. Yes it does. |
|
| Sarge: You too Harrell. All of us are going, so let's move! |
|
| David: Where'd Sarge go? |
| Guess we'd better wait for him. |
|
| For Chelsea |
|
| Mike B: Hi. We're the State. You know, millions of people watch our show every week, and we look at the kinds of people who watch our show, |
| teenagers and young adults, we figure that one of our viewers must be Chelsea Clinton. And we'd like to speak with her now. So, if you're not |
| Chelsea, now might be a good time to go fix yourself a sandwich. |
| Chelsea, Hello. As you may or may not know, we at the State are huge Clinton supporters. In fact, we all would have voted for him if any of us were |
| US citizens. (to others) Diese Amerikaner sind Schweine. |
| Which is why we thought it might be a nice idea if you invited us all down to the "House" for a little get together. Come on, it'll be great. We'll |
| hang out together, we'll behave, we won't steal anything, and if you don't want us to touch something, you could just say, you know, "Please don't |
| touch that, that was Lincoln's," and we'll stop. And if you like, Showalter here will do 'Doug' for you all day long. |
|
| Mike S: I'm outta here Chelseeeeaa! |
|
| Mike B: Maybe we could even have a slumber party together. |
|
| Kevin: We could probably all fit into Taft's old bed! |
|
| (Written on bottom of page, "William Howard Taft, at 332 pounds, was far and away the heaviest man ever to occupy the Oval office.") |
|
| Mike B: That's just one of the many jokes that'll have you and the rest of the first family in stitches all day long. |
|
| Mike B: And, as an added incentive, we've got these cool MTV T-shirts and hats. |
|
| Kerri: We even got one for your cat, Socks. |
|
| All: Awww... |
|
| Mike B: So, Chelsea, you could send the invitation to us here, or you could just have the secret service pick us up one day. |
|
| Tom: Wouldn't be the first time for Ben. |
|
| Ben: Come on guys. |
|
| Mike B: That's true. That's very very true. So Chelsea, rock the vote, and Clinton in '96...unless Jerry Brown runs again. And remember we wanna |
| be friends with you- |
|
| Todd: Not because your father's the president- |
|
| Joe: Or because we might get to fly in a helicopter- |
|
| Mike B: But because, on a personal level, we think you're ten times cooler than Amy Carter ever was. Thanks for your time Chelsea. |
|
| Just the 160,000 of Us |
|
| Announcer: Fridays at ten, Cecil B. Daville Jr.'s epic sitcom, Just the 160,000 of Us. Watch the sorrows, joys, and wacky situations that happen |
| when 160,000 people live in one house. Next week, on a very special Just the 160,000 of Us... |
|
| Kerri: Bob...Susan...Latifah, Rhonda, Cindy, Mandy, Bambi, Babs, Coach Farnsworth, Dr. Gaines, Nurse Reynolds, Sly, Ice Picky, Quay E. |
| Quay, Colonel, Aunt May, I found these [Holds up bag of pot] in DeeDee, Karen, Wendy, Lobo, Ashley, Tanner, Half-pint, and Fatty's room. |
|
| Mike J: When I was talking to Chuck, Ricky, Flabby Peterson, Gilbert, Tom-tom, and Dr. Juarez-- |
|
| Kevin: Bob, Susan, Latifah, Rhonda, Jimmy, Reverend Friar, everybody! Sam, Josh, Senior Dolchez, Meg, Vlad, Stu, Eric, Ranger Dave, Radau |
| Sau, Dean, Bull, most of the Bowsers, all of the Tims, and What's-his-name, the guy with the sideburns, fell down the old abandoned mine shaft! |
|
| Announcer: Just the 160,000 of Us. Sweeping across America on Friday nights this fall like locusts. |
|
| In the Bathroom |
|
| {I'm not going to try and explain this one...doesn't make much sense in text. It's a musically driven-skit. The song is Voodoo Lady by Ween, from |
| the Chocolate and Cheese CD.} |
|
| Bathroom Attendant (Mike B): Good evening Sir. |
|
| Ken: Hello. Hey, uhh, what's all this s |
| tuff about? |
|
| Attendant: It's free sir. Help yourself, please. Freshen up. |
|
| Ken: You're kidding? Free? |
|
| Attendant: Yes sir. Take whatever you like, it's for you. The ladies will love you. |
|
| Ken: All right. I don't mind if I do. Okay sure. great. |
|
| Ken: Hey, I'm an old guy. I got an old gray beard. Hey! |
|
| Ken: Adios ozone layer! haha! |
|
| Ken: you never know who you're going to meet, you know what I mean? |
|
| Attendant: Aha. |
|
| Ken: Yeah, that's pretty good. |
|
| Ken: Come on Daniel, don't you die on me. Clear! |
|
| Ken: Free stuff! Ahh. haha. |
|
| Ken: Hey, look. It's Santey Claus. |
|
| Ben: Ho ho ho. Have you been a good bathroom attendant? |
|
| Ben: That was great. |
|
| Ken: Yeah, free. |
| Oh, hey buddy. Don't think we forget about you. |
|
| Ben: No, we didn't forget you. |
|
| Sandwich 2 |
|
| Sandwich: hi, uhh... the State asked me to come out and kind of kill time before the next skit. There's a big costume change. So..I do know one |
| joke. Oh, you're ready? Okay, good. They're ready. |
|
| Monkeys Do It |
|
| Tony(Ken): Okay, what movie is this? Eeehh. Make 'em an offer, he'll be amused. Eeeh. |
|
| Anthony (Mike S): I don't know. |
|
| Tony: Please, you're so forgone, you don't no nothing? Come on. Amm..na..nuuu (?) I'm a gangster, I'm a gangster! |
|
| Joey (Joe): I don't know. |
|
| Tony: Come on Come on! I'm a godfather! |
|
| Joseph (Mike B.): Nobody knows, Tony. |
|
| Tony: The Godfather! The Godfather! |
|
| All: (indecipherable yelling) |
|
| Joey: I am so freakin' bored with this summer vacation. |
|
| Joseph: Yeah, we should do something, for these are the greatest years of our lives. Hey, I know! Let's go to the zoo and watch the monkeys do it! |
|
| All: Yeah! |
|
| Anthony: I see a big hairy monkey do it! |
|
| Joey: Ooh! Wait, maybe we should call your sister. |
|
| Anthony: Hey, that's not funny, Joey. My sister's a beautiful girl with a very hairy face. |
|
| Joey: I know. She taught me how to shave. |
|
| Joseph and Tony: Yeah, me too. |
|
| Anthony: Joey, I swear to God!-- |
|
| J, J, +T: Whoa! |
|
| Tony: What are you doin' with the Lord's name in vain? |
|
| Anthony: Nothin' |
|
| J, J, +T: You better believe it! |
|
| Joseph: Hey. I just had a particular thought. What if we go all the way to the zoo, and the monkeys ain't in the mood? |
|
| Joey: What, for doin' it? |
|
| Joseph: Yeah, for doing it, the monkeys. |
|
| Joey: That's okay. We'll just watch the penguins do it. |
|
| Tony: Ahh..that's disgusting. You're like a perverted individual! |
|
| Joseph: What? Why is that disgusting, and watching the monkeys doin' it ain't? |
|
| Tony: Because monkeys is natural with humans, penguins, they ain't natural like that. |
|
| Joey: What are you talking about? Penguins is natural. |
|
| Anthony: Penguins ain't natural, they was chemically man-made like The Incredible Hulk. |
|
| Joseph: Anthony, How do you know this about the penguins? |
|
| Anthony: It's in the Bible. |
|
| J+J: It ain't in the Bible. |
|
| Anthony: It's in the Bible wit' Noah! Noah didn't take no penguins wit' 'em on the ark, so therefore penguins ain't natural. Read your Bible. There's |
| no mention of penguins whatsoever. |
|
| Joey: Okay. |
|
| J+J: If it's in the Bible- |
|
| Gina (Kerri): Are you guys going to watch the monkeys do it? |
|
| Tony: Nobody's doin' nothin' Gina. |
|
| Gina: Oh, don't even try that, Tony, 'cause I heard you's talkin', and if you don't take me and Sherry with you, then I'm gonna tell Ma about your |
| perversions. |
|
| Tony: Ay...Don't act remedial, Gina. |
|
| Gina: Oh, you're remedial. |
|
| Tony: You're remedial. |
|
| Gina: Oh, you're remedial. |
|
| Tony: Oh, you're remedial. |
|
| Ma (Tom): Hay! Ay! Ay! What's going on down here? |
|
| Gina: They're goin' to watch the monkeys do it, Ma. |
|
| Tony: Gina!! |
|
| Ma: Tony, is this-a true? |
|
| Tony: No, Ma. We was goin' there for the cause of science. |
|
| Ma: Don't you lie to me, Tony. |
|
| Tony: Yeah, Ma. We was goin' to watch the monkeys do it. |
|
| Ma: All of you...got dirty mouths. Don't talk-a like that. The monkeys, they don't do it. They make love. They look into each other's eyes. They |
| touch-a the hands. No it's a bingety-bangety-boom! Capice? |
|
| Tony: Capice, Ma. |
|
| Ma: So, Tony, get my video camera, Joey, get my coat, Let's go to the zoo and watch the monkeys make amore! |
|
| All: Yeah! |
|
|
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| |
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|
