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| Tanner's Guide to Jane |
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| Jane (Kerri): I'm just gonna quit. |
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| Tom: Now, that's not the Jane I know. The Jane I know would put a big old smile on her face, march right back into that boss's office, take off all |
| her clothes, put on a monkey suit, douse herself in gasoline, jump out the window, get into a tiny box, and declare with bravado, "The game is up |
| mariarti, drop the pistula and let the orphans go!" Now that's the Jane I know. |
|
| Jane: You know what, Paul? You're right. But you're not Paul. Oh, my goodness, I'm in the wrong apartment. I'm sorry. |
|
| Tom: Gee, you think you know somebody. Jane? |
|
| (Mike J. (in drag) comes and wheels Tom away.) |
|
| Prom Photos |
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| Mom (Joe): Oh my God, isn't he beautiful? Stop, old boy. My baby boy's all grown up. |
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| Dad (Ken): Ricky, squeeze in with Suzy. I wanna get a photo before you go. |
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| Ricky (Mike B): Dad... |
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| Mom: You don't mind now, do you Suzy? |
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| Suzy (Kerri): Of course not. |
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| Limo Driver (David): You folks about ready to go? |
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| Dad: Oh, hey. Let's get a shot of the prom couple with the limo driver! |
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| Ricky: Mom, make him stop. |
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| Mom: We've waited eighteen years for this, Ricky. Give your father a chance. |
|
| Dad: Yeah, come on, okay. Get out of the photo. |
| All right, good. All right, smile. Yes, okay...wonderful, wonderful! |
| Okay, now let's get a shot of Ricky uhh.. kissing Suzy and- and, what's your name? |
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| Limo Driver: Frank. |
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| Dad: And Frank, you stand there kinda shocked, you know, like a, 'What's going on? I don't know?' You know? |
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| Frank: Oh, like this? |
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| Dad: Perfect. Perfect. Okay. Great, okay. Now, uhh..Suzy, you kiss Frank, and uhh...and- and Ricky, you stand there kinda surprised. Yeah yeah, |
| good Suzy, but sick your tongue in his mouth. |
|
| Ricky: Dad! |
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| Mom: Suzy, you don't mind, do you? |
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| Suzy: No, it's fine. |
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| Ricky: Dad, come on! |
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| Dad: Ricky, you have all night to go and dance and have a good time. Now, Frank, get down on your knees and stick your head up Suzy's dress. |
| And- and uhh...Ricky...you pull your pants down. |
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| Mom: Suzy, Suzy, you don't mind. |
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| Suzy: No, it's okay. Ricky, we can be a few minutes late. |
|
| Dad: Yeah, ooh, Honey. Come on, bring in the albino. Yeah yeah, great. Okay, good good. |
|
| (enter albino Kevin) |
|
| Dad: Okay, honey, hose him down. Yeah, okay now, Albino guy--lift weights. And-and Ricky, you kinda look at him like 'Hey, that's a lot of |
| weight.' |
|
| Suzy: Oh, and I could look at him like, 'Hey. Why don't you get weights like those?' |
|
| Dad: Yeah yeah. |
|
| Frank: Hey. What if I don't look at the weights at all, like I don't see the weights? So I could just be like this. |
|
| Dad: Yes! |
| Okay, you're in an earthquake. In the middle of winter. |
|
| Mom: Oh, and the sun's in your eyes. |
|
| Suzy: Hi mom. Hi dad. |
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| Suzy's dad (Tom): What the hell is going on here? |
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| Ricky's dad: Oh, we were just taking a couple of photos of the kids. |
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| Suzy's dad: What kind of albino is that? |
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| Suzy's mom (Mike S): And where did you get those weights? Some kind of cut-rate sporting goods store? |
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| Suzy's dad: Could we at least use our albino? |
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| Ricky's parents: Sure, sure. |
|
| (enter albino Ben, lifting weights.) |
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| Ricky's dad: Hey, wonderful. |
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| Suzy's dad: Hey, let's get some gangsters and a cookie chef. |
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| Ricky: Okay, okay. How about if I stand over here and I'm like big and strong, I'm a giant! And I'm going to squish all your cookies, 'cause you're |
| all small people. You're small people. |
|
| (Silence) |
|
| Ricky's mom: Are you two gonna be late? |
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| All: Yeah yeah... |
|
| Ricky's mom: You know, he was in an incubator for three months after he was born, so you know how he is... |
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| Suzy's parents: yeah yeah. |
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| Ricky's dad: Very- very small head. |
|
| Sea Monkeys |
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| Kevin: Hey, thanks so much for house-sitting, Dan. Now, you got the emergency numbers...I feel like I'm forgetting something. Oh! Forgot to show |
| you where I keep the pet food. |
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| Dan (Joe): Oh, you have pets, huh? |
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| Kevin: Yep. Sea Monkeys. |
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| Dan: (laughs) I uhh... I had sea monkeys when I was a kid, and I took 'em to school and I spilled them. |
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| Kevin: What? That's terrible. |
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| Dan: Came on. I mean, face it. I won 'em out of a comic book. I mean, they're rip-offs. |
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| Kevin: Well, please take better care of mine. Okay, I've had 'em since I was five. |
|
| Dan: Wow. How uhh... big do they get? |
|
| Kevin: Big. |
|
| (enter Ben, Ken and Mike B in ridiculous sea monkey costumes.) |
| Kevin: Oh, here they are. Hey guys. Aren't they cute? Okay, I'm just going to make sure the garage is locked. |
|
| Dan: You know, you're right. They are kinda...cute... |
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| Sea Monkey 1 (Ken): You did WHAT to your sea monkeys? |
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| Dan: I spilled them. It was an accident. I was little. |
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| SM 2 (Mike B): Not as little as they were. |
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| SM 3 (Ben): Be ashamed if somebody spilled you, huh! |
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| Kevin (returns): Well, I'll see you in two weeks, Dan. |
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| Dan: Listen, listen. I didn't know sea monkeys talked. |
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| Kevin: Pfft! They never talk. They sing, sometimes. |
|
| SM's: Are you going to Scarborough Faire? |
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| Kevin: Oh my gosh, I forgot my sideburns! |
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| SM 1: We talk, we think, we scream... |
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| SM 3: Swimmy here writes for Esquire. |
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| SM 2: I guess yours never got the chance, did they, Dan? |
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| SM 3: Who knows what they'd a had to say? |
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| Kevin: (returns again (with sideburns) ) Oh, they like ya, Dan. Hey, take care of them. Bye guys! |
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| Dan: You know, I think they'd be much happier with you on vacation. |
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| SM 1: Adios, Danny Boy. |
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| SM 2: Rip-offs? We'll show you rip-offs. |
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| Kevin (Back again): You know what, Dan? You're right. Come on guys, we're going to Tahiti! |
|
| SM 3: You messed with the wrong sea monkeys, Dan. Be nice to the pet rock. |
|
| Dan: (looks up) Good God! |
| (giant rock falls on Dan) |
|
| Hits From the 70s 1 |
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| Carla (Kerri): How many times have you thought, 'Gosh. I'd sure like to hear some of the great hits from the 70's, but I sure don't feel like dragging |
| out all those old record albums.' Well, now you can hear them all on one compact disc. You'll hear songs like. |
| Sitting on the dock of the bay |
| Watching the tide roll away |
| Sitting on the dock of the bay |
| Wasting time |
| And many more. So call and order yours today. |
|
| Announcer: Order your copy of Hits from the 70's! If you want to. I know I'm not going to. I mean, it's just the one song, and I'm not a very big fan |
| of it. Whatever. |
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| Hits From the 70's 2 |
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| Bill (Tom): (on phone) Hey Carla. |
|
| Carla: Hey Bill. |
|
| Bill: Say, have you heard that great new CD Hits From the 70's yet? |
|
| Carla: Sure did, Bill. I can't get enough of it! |
|
| Bill: I love that it has songs like, |
| Sitting on the dock of the bay |
| Watching the tide roll away |
| (Whistles) |
| And other songs also. Bye! |
|
| Kabuki Doug |
| Announcer: And now The State presents, in the ancient art of Japanese Kabuki Theater, the classic tale, The Love Suicides at Sonezaki. Featuring: |
| Barry Toink, Louie, Barry and Levon, and of course, Doug! |
|
| {Okay, from here on the whole skit is in Japanese with English subtitles. I don't know Japanese, so I'm just typing up the subtitles. That kind of |
| makes it less funny, so you're just gonna have to watch it, I guess.} |
|
| Barry (Tom) and Levon (Mike B): Aw, yeah. Aw, yeah. |
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| Barry T (Joe): Barry, Levon, is it true that Doug's father has forbade his marriage? |
|
| Barry: Yes, it's true. Doug is now betrothed to Aiko, |
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| Levon: daughter of the wealthy landowner. |
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| Louie (Ken): Hey, everybody! |
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| All: Louie! |
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| Louie: Please do not ask me to dip my balls in something. My heart grieves for the young lovers. Here they come now. |
|
| All: Hi! |
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| Doug (Mike S) and Karen (Kerri): Hi! |
|
| Doug: Wassup? My forbidden and I have sworn a love suicide. |
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| Karen: For we cannot be together on Earth. |
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| Barry T: Doug, Karen, your devotion to love moves me so that I will now kill myself. |
|
| Barry: Levon and I will be groovy no more. |
|
| Levon: We will buy pantsuits and get haircuts. |
|
| Louie: I will make a pilgrimage to your graves and dip my balls in them. |
|
| Karen: Ugh. |
|
| Doug: Farewell my friends. I'm outta heeeere! |
|
| Toothbrush |
|
| Announcer: Michael Ian Black, who played Levon in that last sketch, went on to portray Admiral Octopus-Head at the Mulan Rouge (?), Mr. |
| Showers-a-Lot under the pyramids in Cairo. And his greatest accomplishment here in the good old USA? This guy! |
|
| Mike B: Just look at my teeth. Look at my gorgeous choppers! And do you know who I have to thank? You, toothbrush. You know who you are, |
| you're my toothbrush! Come on, let's go run around and do things set to popular music! |
|
| (That's just what happens) |
|
| Mike B: I love spending time with you toothbrush. But I have to leave you. You know what they say. If you love something, set it free. If it comes |
| back, it will last forever, and if it doesn't, it was never meant to be! Good-bye toothbrush. |
|
| (He turns into a dirty mess) |
|
| (doorbell rings) |
| Mike B: Toothbrush! Toothbrush, you've come back to me! And look, you've started a family! |
|
| Lincoln Logs |
|
| Announcer: You've heard the stories. You've read the books. Now learn the real truth. Watch Abe Lincoln: The Unauthorized Biography. |
|
| Boy (Kevin): Gosh, Mr. Lincoln. You're about the best friend America could have. |
|
| Abe (Ben): Shut up! (slaps the boy) Now, out of my way, I've got slaves to whip. |
|
| Announcer: You won't find this Lincoln in any history book. |
|
| Mrs. Lee (Kerri): Hello Mr. President. |
|
| Abe: Oh, Maureen (Kisses her) |
|
| Mrs. Lee: But Mr. President. What about your wife, and my husband, General Lee? |
|
| Abe: I don't care about America. All I care about is sex and booze and pills. Damn this country, and everyone in it! |
|
| JWB (Tom): Mr. President? |
|
| Abe: John Wilkes Booth. I'll kill you for what you've seen here! Kill you, I say. Mwa-ha-ha-ha... |
|
| Announcer: Lincoln Logs: The Unauthorized Biography of Honest Abe. Thursday at eight. |
|
| Abe: Uncle Abe wants to party! |
|
| Staring Contest |
|
| Joe: Psst..hey! (passing a note to Mike S) |
|
| Note: |
| I'M GONNA |
| GET YOU AFTER |
| SCHOOL! |
|
| (after school) |
|
| Ken: You ready to rock and roll, PeeWee? |
|
| Mike S: Hey, can't we do this some other way? |
|
| Ken: Shut up shrimp! I'm gonna love this. |
|
| Mike S: Fine, we'll do it your way. |
|
| Kerri: Staring contest. First person to laugh loses. Ready? Go! |
|
| (staring contest ensues that Mike S wins) |
|
| Mike S: You want some of this? |
|
| Bullies: (laughing) no! |
|
| Mike S: I didn't think so. |
|
| (Next day in school Mike gets another note) |
|
| Note: |
| I hear |
| you're good. |
|
| (Mike looks and sees it's from Mike B dresses as a clown) |
|
| The Pope's-a Visit |
|
| Ken: Oh, mama. Just to think-a. The Pope-a. He's coming to eat-a here. |
|
| Mama (Kerri): I'm-a so proud. The restaurant looks so nice. And everybody put on their best-a white suit-a. So nice. |
|
| Ken: He'll be here soon, so let's get a quick bite to eat, hey? |
|
| Ben: Here's-a the sauce. (spills sauce on Ken) |
|
| Ken: Oh! Look at what you did to my best white suit-a. And the Pope-a is coming! |
|
| Joe: Pass-a the water, Vincencio |
|
| Ben: (spills sauce on Joe, and then everyone) |
|
| Joe: This is-a no good! My nice white suit-a is ruined, and the Pope-a will be here any minute. |
|
| Mama: Just-a be careful with the wine! |
|
| Joe: (spills wine on everyone) Oh! Oh! |
|
| Mama: This is terrible. This is awful. Oh, what are we gonna do-a? |
| Look out-a for the mustard! |
|
| Ben: Oh, not-a the mustard! |
|
| Joe: Where am I gonna put the waste-a oil? (dumps it on Ken) |
|
| Ken: Look at what you did to my nice white suit-a! |
|
| Mama: And here comes-a the Pope-a. |
|
| Pope-a (Mike B): Hey! I'm-a the Pope-a. |
|
| All: Hey! The Pope-a!! |
|
| Ken: Sorry it is such a mess, the Pope-a. |
|
| Pope-a: That's okay! |
|
| Ken: The Pope-a. he's so nice-a. |
|
| Mama: We gotta you a gift-a the Pope-a. |
|
| Ken: Vicencio, (?) Give-a the Pope-a all of the grape-a juice-a! |
|
| Ben: (hoses down the Pope-a with grape juice) |
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