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| Not a Talk Show |
|
| Ben: Tonight well be talking to... well, I'll be talking to world renowned playwright... actually, not so much playwright as barber. And I won,t |
| be talking, more like dancing- sort of a salsa cha-cha meringue... ah, I,ll start over. Tonight I will be dancing with... well, near... On! Tonight I |
| will be dancing on world famous dead Parisian barber Jacques Doufan. |
| 5, 6, 7, 8... |
|
| Where's the Mousey? |
|
| Husband (Ken): Well, this is some spread. |
|
| Wife (Kevin): Aha! |
|
| Husband: I am hungry! Where's the mousey? WHERE'S THE MOUSEY? WHERE'S THE MOUSEY? |
|
| All: WHERE'S THE MOUSEY? WHERE'S THE MOUSEY? |
|
| Husband: Wait. Wait, wait. Wha-what are we yelling about? |
|
| Wife: Yeah, what's the Mousey? |
|
| Husband: I don't know. Did I start that? |
|
| Son(David): Yeah, you were the one who brought it up. |
|
| Husband: Yeah-yeah. I know, but I don't know what I was talking about. |
|
| Wife: Gee, We all seem to have concurred. I was yelling. |
|
| Husband: Yeah, I know, I heard you honey. You were livid. |
|
| Wife: Wow. |
|
| Husband: Yeah. Well, whatever, I guess uhh...we should eat. |
|
| All: WHERE'S THE MOUSEY? WHERE'S THE MOUSEY? |
|
| Husband: Wait. Again. It happened again. |
|
| Son: You're kidding. |
|
| Dad: No. |
|
| Son: I don't know what Mousey we could have possibly been talking about. |
|
| (giant mouse falls on table) |
|
| Wife: Do we know someone named Mousey, is that it? |
|
| Husband: No. Oh--what's the name of your college buddy in DC? |
|
| Wife: Phillip. |
|
| Husband: No-nope. |
|
| (hundreds of little toy mice fall form sky) |
|
| Husband: Well, I guess we should start eating again. WHERE'S THE MOUSEY? |
|
| Cameraman: (Voice over) They probably spent 600 bucks on that mouse. I can't even make my car payments this month. If they repossess the car, I |
| can't get to work. How can I make the payments if I can't get to work? |
|
| Voice in his headphones: Camera two pan over to the art gallery. |
|
| Cameraman: Maybe I'll just have to tell the kids there won't be a Christmas this year. |
|
| Voice: Camera two pan over to the art gallery. |
|
| Cameraman: I heard you college boy. |
|
| Tammy Wilkens: Notebook Artist |
|
| Art Lady (Ben): Max Steinberg galleries, New York City, where an exciting new name has burst onto the art scene. And that name is Tammy |
| Wilkins. |
|
| Max Steinberg (Mike S): I am always so excited to have a young artist debut their work in my gallery. But Tammy is very special because, well, |
| she's only fourteen, and her work is so...umm... innocent. |
|
| Art Lady: What inspires you to create your art? |
|
| Tammy (Tom): I guess like, being really bored in high school, because hi-high school's really boring, and I'm bored a lot of the time. |
|
| Max: This piece is titled, "Green Day Rules." It's done in ink-on-notebook. Now here is written, "Green Day Rules." And then this idea is repeated |
| again. Down here is a person, I think. |
|
| Art Lady: What artists inspire you? |
|
| Tammy: I don't really like art that much. I mean, I like pictures that look like things, but not stuff that you can't tell what it is. I like to watch |
| ice-skating. |
|
| Art Lady: What do you think of your daughter's art? |
|
| Tammy's parents (Kerri and Ken): (blank stares) |
|
| (Phone rings) |
| Mom: Oh! |
|
| Dad: Jesus! |
|
| Tammy: I work mostly with pens and notebooks, but I also make these. This I made for my friend, Jenny. 'Cause she's really super. She's my |
| super-duper friend. |
|
| Max: This is Tammy's most feminist work. The piece is titled, "I Love Andrew Shue." Now here we have love in it's relationship to biology. And |
| the whole scene is fenced in by this apathetic mantra, "I am so bored." |
|
| Art Lady: Has Tammy's overnight success affected her schoolwork? |
|
| Teacher (Mike B): Tammy, Tammy, Tammy, Tammy. Uhh...I'm drawing a blank here. Tall girl? Sort of a--Tammy? |
|
| Art Lady: how do you envision your future in the art community? |
|
| Tammy: I guess I'll keep making these as long as I stay bored in high school, which shouldn't be a problem, because high school's really boring. |
|
| Max: When Marcel hung this piece, I cried. It's a true story. |
|
| Art Lady: Are you the spokesperson for your generation? |
|
| Tammy: I don't understand the question. You're scaring me. |
|
| The Restaurant Sketch |
|
| Waiter (Ken): Excuse me Sir, may I take your order? |
|
| David: Oh, yes. Can you tell me what the specials are please? |
|
| Waiter: Listen Sir, I am more than willing to serve you, but you're gonna have to stop yelling. |
|
| David: What? What are you talking about? |
|
| Mike S: Excuse me, Sir. But my wife and I are trying to enjoy our meal over here, and it's very difficult with you ranting and raving like a madman. |
|
|
| David: I'm not yelling--I- |
|
| Waiter: If that's the game you wanna play, (gets bullhorn) THE SPECIALS TONIGHT ARE TORTELLINI WITH CAPERS (?) |
|
| David: Wait-wait. I'm not yelling. Everyone here is acting like I'm yelling, when in fact, I'm speaking at a normal conversational volume. |
| Now, you see, the joke here is that everyone here is saying I'm screaming, which isn't true. And that's funny. Anything that isn't true is funny, and |
| anything that is true isn't funny. Here, here I'll give you an example. |
| What is your special? |
|
| Waiter: Ah, well our special tonight is fish sauteed in paper clips, lightly seasoned with garden tools, on a b-- |
|
| David: Okay, hold it, thanks. Now, you see- That's funny, because it's not true! See, fish with garden tools and paper clips, it's not true, and I'll |
| show you. |
| Do you really serve that fish dish? |
|
| Waiter: No. |
|
| David: You see? That's funny. |
| Sir? Could you ask me what I had for breakfast this morning? |
|
| Mike S: All right, uhh...what'd you have for breakfast this morning? |
|
| David: Eggs. |
|
| Mike S: (laughs) |
|
| David: You see, I didn't have eggs this morning, I had waffles. And so when I said "Eggs," it was funny. |
| Sir, sir, try again. |
|
| Mike S: What did you have for breakfast this morning? |
|
| David: Waffles. |
| Not funny. because that's exactly what I had! And...what makes things really really funny, when more than one thing isn't true. |
|
| Waiter: Here comes the manager! |
|
| Tom in a chicken suit: Please open your hymnals to page 46 for Rock of Ages. |
|
| David: Okay, now hold it. Now, you see, that's really funny because there's two things that aren't true. First, he's acting like we're in a church, and |
| we're not. Funny. Second, he's dressed like a chicken instead of a restaurant manager, also funny. Just as if he were dressed like a restaurant manager, |
| but was in a chicken coop. |
|
| Tom: (to chicken) Is there a problem with your meal, Sir? |
|
| David: Now, that's funny! Also, he's intrinsically funny because he's not really a restaurant manager. Right? |
|
| Tom: Right. |
|
| David: See that? |
| Now you remember when the "manager" asked us to open out hymnals, right? Now I said that was funny, but that was the only thing that wasn't |
| funny. Because we're not really in a restaurant, we're in a church. |
|
| Mike S: So the part about the hymnals wasn't funny. |
|
| Tom: But all of the restaurant references were very funny. |
|
| David: Exactly. But, truth be told, both the hymnal thing and the restaurant thing were funny, because this is not a church, it's my bedroom! |
|
| All: Oh. |
|
| David: So, I'm gonna go to bed now, sleeping well with the knowledge that all of this, everything that's happened has been very very funny! Why? |
| Because none of it was true. Okay? I'm going to bed, good morning. Ah, now, you see? That's funny because it's not what you say when you go to |
| bed, you say good night. But that's not funny, and you want to finish up on something funny, so good morning! |
|
| All: (laughing) |
|
| Ken: He said "Good morning!" He's going to bed!!! |
|
| Death Fight 5000 |
|
| DF5000 Host (Mike S): If you thought Rock 'n' Jock was a blast, well then, boy oh boy, do we have a treat for you, sports lovers. That's right, |
| MTV brings you Death Fight 5000; featuring members of The State. Satisfy your bloodlust as The State takes out it's aggressions on each other! |
| Hey animal, feast your eyes as David Wain and Todd Holoubek kick each other in the face and stomach. Blood! Death Fight 5000. Scream for mercy |
| and beg for more as Kerri Kenney beats the living crap out of Michael Showalter's face and head! Hold on to your chairs as Ken Marino and tag-team |
| partner Michal Patrick Jann, in the mis-match of the century, literally slaughter little lambs Ben Garant and Joe LoTruglio by punching them |
| repeatedly in the face with their fists and by kicking them! And then, in a twist that only MTV could dream up, Kevin Allison fights himself to the |
| death! Oooh! Death Fight 5000. Did I forget the main event? You're gonna love this, fight fans. It's Barry versus Levon. This time the robes come |
| off for good! See Barry kicking Levon in the face and in the stomach! Watch Levon punch Barry in the face and punch him in the head! It's gonna be |
| $240 worth of blood pudding. Death Fight 5000 featuring The State- and blood, and kicking and dancing and singing and jumping- and skipping. |
| Before the Lord, Before the Lord! |
|
| Answering Machine |
|
| Answering Machine: Hi, this is The State at MTV. Leave a message. |
|
| Message: Hi, it's Tricia, and Gina, your biggest fans. We saw you wrestling in the skit, oh my God, you were so cute. We wanna wrestle you. |
| You're so cute. Hey, put our names in a sketch. Yeah, put our names in a skit. Put our names in a skit. Tricia and Gina! We love you. We love you |
| guys! |
|
| Fan Names |
|
| Mike S: Oh, hi. You know, this past summer, many of us travelled across the country, and along the way we met many of you, our viewers. And |
| the one thing we heard time and time again was , "Hey, could use my name in a skit?" And we thought that would be a great idea, so we made this |
| little list, and we kept it with everybody's names. And this next sketch is for all of you. |
|
| Mike B: Well well well, if it isn't Kristen Trumpy. |
|
| Kerri: Hello Michael B. Joyner. How are things in Washington DC? |
|
| Mike B: Not bad. But then again, I'm no John Scott Luinsky! |
|
| Kevin on intercom: Attention. Will Kate Armstrong and Neil Holdron please report to Principal Robert Rosenblat's office? |
|
| Kerri: Hey, look. It's that guy from Peawalky (?) |
|
| Todd: David Harrell. Hi guys! |
|
| Tom: Has anybody seen Nathan Stack, I can't find him anywhere. |
|
| Mike B: Don't worry, Richard Souza. He's with Destiny Templeton, Aaron Jamesfinder, Melissa Ball, and the rest of the crew at Sherwood Diner in |
| Westport. |
|
| Kerri: Phew! And here comes a parade of our friends! |
|
| Mike B: Natasha Walla! Joseph Mazulo! |
|
| Kerri: Jason Michael Lewis III! And who could forget... |
|
| All: Debbie Weaver! |
|
| Kerri: Hooray for our friends! |
|
| Mike S: And that goes for all of you too, except for Peter Sellet who tries too hard, sorry! |
|
| The Bearded men of Space Station 11 |
|
| Announcer: The Bearded Men of Space Station 11. |
|
| Tom: Men, I'd like to introduce you to the new marshall of Space Station 11, Mr. Rob Jones. |
|
| Marshall (Mike S): Gentlemen. Now, as you all know, you are the Bearded Men of Space Station 11. And as we all know, beards do not grow in |
| space. As such, it is my belief that you five men, from now on I will refer to as the Bearded Men of Space Station 11, are actually aliens, and as |
| such, should be committed to life imprisonment in space jail. Are there any questions? |
|
| (all bearded men raise their hands) |
|
| Marshall: Yeah, Baker, what aren't you clear about? |
|
| Baker (Mike B): The part about the beards, sir? |
|
| Marshall: Gentlemen, I need not remind you that this galaxy has an atmosphere of negative 5. This is an atmosphere in which beards cannot grow. |
|
| Ben: But in Space Station 11 we have Earth's atmosphere. |
|
| Marshall: Beards cannot grow in space. |
|
| David: But they can grow here on Space Station 11. |
|
| Marshall: Aliens can grow beards, but not people. |
|
| Todd: People can grow beards in space, too. |
|
| Marshall: People cannot grow beard in space. |
|
| Mike B: With all due respect Marshall, you're wrong about the beards. |
|
| Marshall: Well, I think I'm right about the beards. |
|
| Todd: But you're wrong, Marshall. People can grow beards. |
|
| Marshall: On Earth, maybe. But I don't think they can grow them in space. |
|
| Tom: You're kidding about the beards, right? |
|
| Marshall: No. Men cannot grow beards in space. |
|
| Ben: But I have a beard. |
|
| Marshall: Well, then you're an alien. |
|
| Ben: No I'm not. |
|
| Marshall: Yes you are. |
|
| Ben: No, I'm not. |
|
| Marshall: Then, you can't grow a beard. |
|
| David: But he has a beard. |
|
| Marshall: Then he's an alien. |
|
| Tom: He's not. He's from Pittsburg. |
|
| Marshall: Nuh-uh. |
|
| Mike B: I'm sorry Marshall, but you're just wrong about the beards. |
|
| Marshall: No. No, I'm not. |
|
| Announcer: The Bearded Men of Space Station 11 |
|
| Origami |
|
| Joe: Hey Steve, you're the coolest! |
|
| Friends: yeah yeah |
|
| Joe: I bet you don't have a terrible secret that would threaten your status here at high school. |
|
| Friends: yeah yeah. yeah yeah. |
|
| Christine (Mike B.): Hey Steve, what's this? It looks like some sort of paper creature. |
|
| Steve (Ben): It's a swan! Yeah, my little sister makes those lame-ass things. |
|
| Christine: Well, I'll just put it away for you. (opening glove compartment) |
|
| Steve: NOOOO! (as origami animals pour out of the glove compartment.) |
|
| Steve: Christine, wait! |
|
| Christine: Steve, I thought I knew you! But you fold brightly colored paper into the shape of animals. It's so lame! |
|
| Steve: It's not lame, it's origami. |
|
| Christine: Hai! |
|
| Steve: The ancient Japanese art of paper folding. I want you to know it's secrets. I want you to know my secrets. |
|
| (musical interlude-) |
|
| Christine: Steve, I have something to tell you. |
|
| Steve: (nods while sucking her finger) |
|
| Christine: I'm really a guy in drag. |
|
| Steve: I knew that. I've always known that. |
|
| (new scene C&S with a group of other kids) |
|
| Steve: Guys, Christine and me have something to tell you all. |
|
| Joe: I can't keep it in anymore. I cheated on my SAT's. |
|
| One-armed Man (Tom): I confess. I framed a man for murder and now he's a fugitive from the law. |
|
| Shakespeare (Mike S.): Christopher Mahra wrote all my plays. |
|
| Joe: What is it you wanted to say, Steve? |
|
| Steve: (holds up origami swan) |
|
| (another musical interlude with the whole cast running around in their underwear) |
|
| Answering Machine 2 |
|
| Answering Machine: Hi. It's The State at MTV, leave a message. |
|
| Message; Hi, it's Tricia and Gina. We saw you in your underwear, you guys were so cute, we're wearing out the pause buttons on our VCRs. We |
| worship you. We think you guys are Gods. You're funnier than Jesus. Yes. |
|
| Louie & the Last Supper |
|
| Jesus (Tom): I tell you this. You will not break bread again with me until it is in heaven. |
| Excuse me. Excuse me? Peter, John? I'm talking here. it's kind of important. |
|
| Peter (Kevin): Sorry. You were saying? |
|
| Jesus: I was saying... I tell you this. you will not break bread again with me--what are you whispering about? |
|
| John (Joe): Nothing, nothing. |
|
| Jesus: No, you were talking about something. I hate it when people do that. Could you just tell me what it is, please? |
|
| Peter: No, it was nothing. I was just telling John here that Louie's coming tonight. |
|
| Announcer: And now, Louie! The guy who comes in and says his catch phrase over and over again. |
|
| Jesus: Louie, Louie, the "Gonna dip my balls in it one?" |
|
| John: Yes, he's coming, he's coming. |
|
| Jesus: Oy vey. Who invited Louie? |
| Judas? Judas, why did you invite Louie? |
|
| Judas (Ben): What? I thought he would lighten the mood a little bit. He's funny! Dippin' the balls in it thing? it's a good bit! |
| Oh, now I'm the bad guy. I mean, everybody likes Louie, right? |
|
| Jesus: It's not that I don't like Louie. I love Louie. I love everybody, that's my thing, man. It's just- the balls-dipping thing, it's cheap, you know? |
| It's not my sense of humor. Tonight I thought it'd be the thirteen of us... |
|
| Louie (Ken): Hey everybody! |
|
| All: LOUIE! |
|
| Louie: Who's got something for me? |
|
| David: I do! |
|
| Louie: What is it? |
|
| David: Babagaloush (?) |
|
| Louie: I wanna dip my balls in it!! |
|
| All: Yay! |
|
| Louie: Who's got a plate of something? |
|
| Mike B: I do! |
|
| Louie: What is it? |
|
| Mike B: Potato Colga. |
|
| Louie: I wanna dip my balls in it!! |
|
| All: Yay!! Louie! Louie! Louie! |
|
| Jesus: Peter- Peter, John, James, you don't wanna stay with me tonight? |
|
| Peter: Well, come with us. We're going over to Louie's. He's gonna dip his balls in some things! |
|
| Louie: I wanna dip my balls in it!! |
|
| John: Come on, Louie's waiting. Let's go! |
|
| James (Todd): We'll have supper next weekend. |
|
| Jesus: Real quick, seriously. I'm dying for the sins of the world, and of of you's gonna deny me, and one of you's gonna betray me! |
|
| Louie: I wanna dip my balls in it! |
|
| Mike S: We have the warrant for the arrest of Jesus of Nazareth. Are you Jesus of Nazareth? |
|
| Jesus: He just went that way, he's got a short-sleeved shirt and a tie, and he's yelling about his balls. |
|
