Episode 306:
Shower
 
Kevin: Oops! Dropped the soap. I'll get it, I'll get it.
 
Ken: You better not be going down there to look at our asses.
 
Kevin: What? Of course I'm not!
 
Kerri: Kevin...
 
Mike S: Kev...
 
Kevin: Hi. I didn't really drop the soap. I've got it right here. But I just came down to say 'hi' and that we're all getting cleaned up for the show. I'm
not here to look at their asses, I work with these people everyday, you know. I don't need to see their asses. But, I mean, it is a little bit
tempting...umm..may--maybe just once. (looks up) Okay, okay okay. Anyway, I was uh...(looks up)
 
Mike B: You find the soap?
 
Kevin: Weh...umm..not yet! I've got it right here. Anyway, I just wanted to say enjoy the uhh...(looks up)
 
Planet Groovy
Barry and Levon
 
{Background music: Marvin Gaye's Sexual Healing}
Barry (Tom) and Levon (Mike B): Aww Yeah.
 
Levon: I'm Levon.
 
Barry: And I'm Barry.. nanu nanu. And we have just entered the fourth planet in the funky system...
 
Both: Planet Groovy. Awww yeaah.
 
Barry: This is one small step for man...
 
Levon: One giant groove...
 
Both: For all the foxy people. Aww yeah.
 
(music stops)
Barry: The music has ceased, Levon.
 
Levon: I'm starvin' for the Marvin.
 
Barry: I need the Gaye in a bad way!
 
Levon: Barry, our groove support systems have become
 
Both: DE-FUNKED
 
Both: Awwww No.
Oh, no. Oh, God.
 
Levon: Barry, we have totally lost-
 
Both: Our groove.
 
Levon: Ooh, this suit is itchy!
We look like a couple of first class nincumpoops.
 
Barry: I just want to go home, put on some dungarees and a sweatshirt.
 
Levon: You mean your lazy clothes.
 
Barry: Yeah.
 
Levon: Yeah.
 
Barry: You wanna go antiquing this weekend? We can drive up to the vineyard.
 
Levon: I'd love to. We could get on on 95 north, it's a straight shot-
 
Barry: Oh! No, no, no, they're putting an HOV lane on 95.
 
Levon: Oh, that's terrific. Well, you know who's paying for that don't you?
 
Both: John Q. Taxpayer!! hahaha!
NOOOO!
 
Levon: Must fiiiiiiiight!
 
Barry: Must... get... groovy.
 
Both: Oh yeah..oh yeah. (trying to get groovy, but failing miserably)
 
Levon: Barry, call for help.
 
Barry: (into walkie-talkie) Emergency, everything is uncool. Send the mother ship.
 
(Mother ship arrives, which is some kind of 70's Caddy, I think....)
 
Levon: (opens trunk, which is filled with pudding) Now Barry, you must rub your tush in that pudding.
 
Barry: That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
 
Levon: Just do it buddy.
 
Barry: Okay, but the cleaning bill's going to you.
 
Levon: Oh, You're bad. You are bad..
 
Mother Ship: Barry, Levon.
 
B & L: Yes, mother ship?
 
Mother Ship: Shut up and rub your asses in that puddin'.
 
B & L: Okay.
Oh. Oh! Ahh.
(start rubbing their asses in the pudding..)
(music returns)
Awwww yeaaaah!
 
Levon: Barry baby, we back baby, with a knick-knack cadillac, give this dog a bone.
 
Barry: Over and...outta sight.
 
Shower 2
Kerri: Kevin, have you still not found the soap yet?
 
Kevin: Not yet. I-I hope you enjoyed Barry and Levon. Umm...I was Barry.
 
Tom: No you weren't!
 
Kevin: Uh...no I wasn't, but I do have a big role in this next sketch, so if you think of it, check out my ass.
 
Roughing It
 
Kevin: (voice over- Oooh, there I am, that's me right there. Check it out.)
Who are you people? What are you doing!?
 
Tom: We're camping.
 
Kevin: In the middle of my living room?
 
Todd: No, I think we should be over here. Closer to the fresh water supply.
 
Tom: Yeah, we got a week's vacation, we figured we'd 'rough it.' You know, get away from it all.
 
Ken: Hey, great. These kinda mushrooms aren't poisonous.
 
Tom: Oh, good.
 
Kevin: What? Look, you can't stay here.
 
Todd: Yes can. We have a permit.
 
Tom: Hey, but it'll only be a week. We'll try not to get in the way.
 
------DAY 1------
Ken: (With bow and arrow) Don't move.
(shoots chair) Weee-hooo!!!
 
David: Hey, what does that one look like to you?
 
Ken: I don't know. It looks like a cloud.
 
David: No, use your imagination. It's a naked man, and he's got flowers over his crotch.
 
Ken: Where?
 
David: Here, look where I'm pointing. You see?
 
Mike S: Did you ever think that like, the stars that we're seeing actually like, blew up millions of years ago.
 
Mike B: Yes, yes, yes!
 
------DAY 2------
Kerri: (with fishing pole) I got him, I got him!
(reels in a box of frozen fish)
 
Kerri: (looking through binoculars) Oh, there's one of the locals.
 
Mike S: Ba-na-ne-na-ne-na-ne-na-ner.
 
------DAY 3------
Joe: (on top of refrigerator, holding up Todd by one arm) Hang on tiger!
 
Todd: Oh my God! Don't let me go!!
 
Joe: (drops Todd) Oh my God. (Gets frozen juice bar out of freezer.)
 
Mike B: I have a very Eastern concept of what God is.
 
Mike S: Do you mean like Connecticut?
 
Mike B: Yeah.
 
------DAY 4------
Mike B: We either need to get this fire lit, or turn down the air-conditioning.
 
Tom: We're lost.
 
Ben: We're not lost, we just have to keep going North.
 
Tom: We passed this couch three times already!
 
------DAY 5------
All: Gonna make banana fritters for the Lord
Gonna make banana fritters for the Lord
Gonna make banana fritters 'cause I heard Lord Jesus likes 'em
Gonna make banana fritters for the Lord.
 
------DAY 6------
Joe: (getting beers out of the bathtub, while Kevin is bathing) Excuse me...thanks...oh, I'm sorry...
 
Mike B: I've never been in love
 
Mike S: I was in love once with my cousin.
 
Mike B: That's really weird.
 
Mike S: Yeah, she's dead.
 
Mike B: That's cool.
 
------LAST DAY------
Mike B Remember we we put the aluminum foil in the microwave?
 
Todd: yeah.
 
Mike B: I thought we were goners!
 
Kevin: Well, vacation's over. You have a nice time?
 
Tom: You bet! I feel like a new man.
 
Kevin: (noticing men carrying out furniture) So, what are you doing, taking souvenirs?
 
Tom: No, better news. We quit our jobs and we're building a cabin. We got a permit.
 
Kevin: (sobs)
 
Mike J: (naked) Is uhh..this the nature colony?
 
Tom: Yeah! Come on in and say good-bye to society!
 
Mike J: All right. Just shut the door on you way out of here, man.
 
All: Gonna boil up a hot dog for the Lord.
Gonna boil up a hot dog 'cause I heard Lord Jesus likes 'em
Gonna boil up a hot dog for the Lord.
Gonna order out some mushi for the Lord...
 
Barney McMacken
 
Barney (Kevin): Afraid to walk the streets alone? I'm not. I'm Barney McMacken. And at the McMacken School of Self-Defense, I'll teach you how
to handle the streets the way that tells crooks, "You don't even wanna come near me." You'll learn all my special methods. Like the Bollatle
Caveman Technique.
Gh.gh.gh..We-ooo! We-oo! gh...
 
Also, the Joan Baez Fan Routine
Kumbaya My Lord, Kumbaya!!!!
 
So don't delay. Classes also start this month for old Where Did All These Leeches Come From Schpeil.
Ahh! The leeches, the leeches!!! Ahh!
 
So sign up with the McMacken School of Self-Defense, and learn to outscare the scaries away.
 
Old Lighthouse Jeffers
 
(door knocks)
Jeffers (Tom): Hold your horses, hold your horses...
 
Joe: Hi. Sorry to bother you so late. Our car broke down a mile up the road. We saw your lighthouse, we were wondering if we could use your
phone.
 
Jeffers: You boys got caught in a nareastar (?) I'm Old Lighthouse Jeffers, always willing to help a friend in need.
 
Mike S: Oh, great.
 
Jeffers: Make yourselves comfortable, phone's over there.
 
Ken: Thanks!
 
Jeffers: Well, where are you boys coming from?
 
Mike S: New York.
 
Jeffers: Albany?
 
Mike S: Uhh..no. New York City.
 
Jeffers: Oh, sure sure. New York City. Got a lotta S&M bars down there, don't they?
 
Joe: Sorry?
 
Jeffers: S&M bars. you know, Sado Masochism? Got a lotta them bars down there, don't they?
 
Mike S: Yeah... I guess they do.
 
Jeffers: Yep. I reckon a fellow can't swing a dead cat without hitting a Sado Masochism bar down there.
 
Joe: Hmm.
 
Mike S: Hmm.
 
Ken: It's gonna be a while guys The tow truck's on another job.
 
Jeffers: I was just talking to your friends here about Sado Masochism.
 
Ken: Really?
 
Jeffers: Yep. I reckon a fellow could take a cab down there to New York City, find himself half a dozen clubs that cater to the S&M crowd, where he
could get a good spanking from a dominatrix...maybe a scrotal clamping...
 
Ken: Hmm.
 
Mike S: Is there like a hotel we could go to?
 
Joe: Yeah, nearby.
 
Tom: Oh, it's thirty miles to town. You'll never make it. That's how they got Old Festus Wilkens.
 
Ken: Who-who---who got who?
 
Jeffers: Festus Wilkins. They got him good!
 
Joe: Hmm.
 
Ken: Hmm.
 
Mike S: Hmm.
 
Jeffers: Anyway, do you have to be a member of any of those S&M clubs? I suppose you boys are all probably members.
 
Ken: Well, we usually go to sports bar type places.
 
Jeffers: S&M sports?
 
Ken: No, like uhh..bars where they show like, football on T.V.
 
Jeffers: Well, takes all kinds I guess. Would you boys like to see something unusual?
 
Joe: You know what? We should probably wait by the car, in case someone shows up.
 
Ken: Yeah, yeah. We don't want to trouble you anymore.
 
Jeffers: All right. Well, suit yourself. If you need anything, you know where I am. Can't miss me, I'm in the lighthouse!
Get it?
 
All: Oh yeah!
 
Ken: You're the guy in the lighthouse.
 
Mike S: Well, listen...uhh..thanks for all your help. Good night!
 
Jeffers: All right, good night, boys. Have fun at the sports bars. Well, takes all kinds I guess. Takes all kinds.
 
Tow Truck Guy (Mike J): You fellows call for a tow?
 
Joe: Yeah, uh-huh. Oh, thank God.
 
Tow Truck Guy: (Emerges from truck wearing leather-bondage stuff) Sorry it took me so long. I know you were stranded up there at Old Lighthouse
Jeffers'. His bulb ain't runnin' too bright if you know what I mean. I mean he's crazy! But...takes all kinds, takes all kinds.
 
Ken: Hmm.
 
Mike S: Hmm.
 
Joe: Hmm.
 
The Personal State
 
Mike B: Hi, we're The State. You know, we've been on the air for over a year now, and we realize that many of you still don't really know who we
are. So, I thought, tonight, we could all come out and say our names, and then to make it more interesting, a little something personal about
ourselves. I'll start. I'm Michael Ian Black, but my real name's Michael Schwartz, which I changed because I'm ashamed of being Jewish. You see
how that works? Okay, Ken-
 
Ken: Hi, I'm Ken Marino.
 
Mike B: And now say something personal about yourself.
 
Ken: No.
 
Mike B: Okay, Ken's feeling a little shy about saying something personal, and I don't wanna push him, because he'll hit me, right?
 
Ken: Yeah.
 
Mike B: Anybody wanna go?
 
Joe: I'll go. I'm a- Joe LoTruglio, founder of Je Koon Do (?), way of the fist, and I fled to this country from Hong Kong after killing a man.
 
Mike B: Now see? That's personal. Of course, that's not your story, it's Bruce Lee's story. Tom, you've got a lot of problems to talk about. for
example, you are on--
 
Tom: Speed.
 
Mike B: Oh, I was gonna say probation.
 
Tom: hahaha! Whatever, whatever.
 
Mike B: Ben, would you like to go?
 
Ben: Nope.
 
Mike B: Well, just to keep things moving, I'll say one more personal thing abut myself. Often times, during sex, I cannot maintain an erection.
 
Kerri: It's true.
 
Mike B: Kerri, would you like to go?
 
Kerri: I don't have anything to talk about.
 
Mike B: Well, you could talk about how they took away your baby when you were in rehab.
 
Kerri: You mean our baby, Michael?
 
Mike B: That's personal. And something of a surprise. Well, that's that's about enough for tonight, I think. We've all learned a great deal tonight
about...me. And so-
 
David: They don't know about your crabs.
 
Mike B: --thanks for watching, and a--
 
(Who is this?): Have you talked about your hairpiece yet?
 
Mike S: Or about how you stole Captain Monterey Jack from the Carol Burnett Show?
 
Mike B: --and enjoy the a--
 
Kerri: Why don't you want to see our baby, Michael? He looks a lot like you.
 
Mike B: Enjoy the show!
 
Ben: He ran over a kid once, when he was drunk!
 
Mike S: He's got webbed feet.
 
Ken: Tell them about your glass eye, Mike. Tell them about your glass eye, Mike!
 
Drugs
 
Kerri: Kenny, what are we doing over here?
 
Kenny (Joe): Keep it down, I don't want anyone to know.
 
Kerri: Know what?
(He shows her a pack of cigarettes) Whoa. Where'd you get those?
 
Kenny: From my dad's bedroom. Here, try one.
 
Tom: As you may know, this type of scene is not uncommon to today's youth.
 
Mike S: At this very moment, children are pressuring each other to try cigarettes, alcohol, and drugs.
 
Kevin: (pops out of garbage bag) For many of these children, this will be just the beginning of a possible life of crime or addiction.
 
Ken: (jumps down from a platform) Or worse. It could eventually lead to death.
 
Mike B: (Being carried by Mike J) And much too often, it does.
 
Ben: It's really bad.
 
David: Really bad!
 
Todd: (nods.)
 
Mike B: How was I?
 
All: Good, good.
 
Tom: Hey, there's a kid on South St. trying to get his friend drunk on booze.
 
All: Hey!
 
Mike B: I'm there! How's my tie look?
 
Ken: What about something like uhh.. these kids who drink the booze--
 
Rug Brothers
 
Hostess (Kerri): Can I get you some coffee?
 
Mike S: Sure.
 
Ben: Nice place.
 
Host (Tom): So this is the new place, what do you think?
 
Ben and Mike S: AH!
 
Ben: Oh my God, what a beautiful rug!
 
Tom: Oh, yeah. We found it at an estate sale. It's nice, isn't it?
 
Mike S: Nice? It's incredible!
 
Ben: How dare you refer to a rug like this as just nice! (punches him) it's the most fabulous rug I've ever seen!
 
Mike S: You say you found the rug at an estate sale. Tell us all about it. About the whole thing!
 
Dad?: Well, we were just out at the Hamptons.
 
Ben: AAH!! Enough of this malarchy! Tell us about the rug! Where were you when you first beheld it? Were you blinded? Did it's glory blind
you!?! (Head butts him)
 
Mike S: (punches him)
 
Mom?: Coffee's ready.
 
Mike S: Ahh! (Knocks her over)
YOU SPILLED IT ON THE RUG!
 
Ben: I'm going to make love to this floor covering. Right here, and right now!
 
Mike S: I'm gonna write an opera for it!
Chip, lights off.
 
Ben: Then I couldn't see the rug, romantic boon.
Oh baby, oh baby!
 
Mike S: I love the rug.
 
Mom?: Okay you two, but before you leave you have to see the Sama Bar (?) we purchased for the dining room last week.
 
Boys: AHHHH!
 
Mike S: Ah! Ah! Ah!
 
Ben: Oh my God, it's so tasteful. It's a perfect compliment to any home!
 
Mike S: oh my God!
 
Dad?: And you thought they wouldn't like the rug!
 
Mom: Ah! (Kicks him.)
 
Porcupine Racetrack
 
Tom: Okay, here's the deal. MTV asked us specifically to please not to do this skit, but we really like it. We think it'll be ten times more popular
than that guy who says "I'm outta here." So now, for your viewing enjoyment, a little something we like to call, "Porcupine Racetrack."
 
Porcupine, porcupine, porcupine racetrack.
Porcupine, porcupine, porcupine racetrack.
Porcupine, porcupine, porcupine racetrack.
Watch them porcupines go!
 
Go you porcupines, go, go, go!
Go you porcupines, don't be slow!
Go you porcupines, go, go, go!
 
Or I'll lose lots of dough.
 
It's a marvelous day, at the Porcupine Racetrack.
We'll watch them little porkies run.
The sun, the track, and porcupines.
 
The recipe for fun.
 
Racing form Mr. Johnson?
Why thank you Jimmy. Here, get yourself a licorice whip.
 
Have I got a pick for you boys!
This porcupine has to win.
He's strong and fast and ready.
And loaded up with gin.
 
I'm putting my dough on Lightning, cause it says that he's a sure thing
And the odds are 5 to 4...
But boy I hope that he's not slow or otherwise then this here Joe will be back on skid row!
 
I know that I'm a sinner, but I really need a winner, or the orphanage will close.
So God if you're above, and it's orphans that you love, then please help the porcupine I chose.
 
I'm the slowest porcupine in town, but knowing that don't get me down. It's just that they don't see. So when
they blow that whistle, I will move my little bristles cause there's nothing stopping me!
 
At the Porcupine, Porc-upine,
Racetraaack, Racetraaaaaaack.
 
Ahh! Aaaaaahhhhhhhhh.....
 
 
 
The State Page
Home