|
|
|
 |
|
|
| Shower |
|
| Kevin: Oops! Dropped the soap. I'll get it, I'll get it. |
|
| Ken: You better not be going down there to look at our asses. |
|
| Kevin: What? Of course I'm not! |
|
| Kerri: Kevin... |
|
| Mike S: Kev... |
|
| Kevin: Hi. I didn't really drop the soap. I've got it right here. But I just came down to say 'hi' and that we're all getting cleaned up for the show. I'm |
| not here to look at their asses, I work with these people everyday, you know. I don't need to see their asses. But, I mean, it is a little bit |
| tempting...umm..may--maybe just once. (looks up) Okay, okay okay. Anyway, I was uh...(looks up) |
|
| Mike B: You find the soap? |
|
| Kevin: Weh...umm..not yet! I've got it right here. Anyway, I just wanted to say enjoy the uhh...(looks up) |
|
| Planet Groovy |
| Barry and Levon |
|
| {Background music: Marvin Gaye's Sexual Healing} |
| Barry (Tom) and Levon (Mike B): Aww Yeah. |
|
| Levon: I'm Levon. |
|
| Barry: And I'm Barry.. nanu nanu. And we have just entered the fourth planet in the funky system... |
|
| Both: Planet Groovy. Awww yeaah. |
|
| Barry: This is one small step for man... |
|
| Levon: One giant groove... |
|
| Both: For all the foxy people. Aww yeah. |
|
| (music stops) |
| Barry: The music has ceased, Levon. |
|
| Levon: I'm starvin' for the Marvin. |
|
| Barry: I need the Gaye in a bad way! |
|
| Levon: Barry, our groove support systems have become |
|
| Both: DE-FUNKED |
|
| Both: Awwww No. |
| Oh, no. Oh, God. |
|
| Levon: Barry, we have totally lost- |
|
| Both: Our groove. |
|
| Levon: Ooh, this suit is itchy! |
| We look like a couple of first class nincumpoops. |
|
| Barry: I just want to go home, put on some dungarees and a sweatshirt. |
|
| Levon: You mean your lazy clothes. |
|
| Barry: Yeah. |
|
| Levon: Yeah. |
|
| Barry: You wanna go antiquing this weekend? We can drive up to the vineyard. |
|
| Levon: I'd love to. We could get on on 95 north, it's a straight shot- |
|
| Barry: Oh! No, no, no, they're putting an HOV lane on 95. |
|
| Levon: Oh, that's terrific. Well, you know who's paying for that don't you? |
|
| Both: John Q. Taxpayer!! hahaha! |
| NOOOO! |
|
| Levon: Must fiiiiiiiight! |
|
| Barry: Must... get... groovy. |
|
| Both: Oh yeah..oh yeah. (trying to get groovy, but failing miserably) |
|
| Levon: Barry, call for help. |
|
| Barry: (into walkie-talkie) Emergency, everything is uncool. Send the mother ship. |
|
| (Mother ship arrives, which is some kind of 70's Caddy, I think....) |
|
| Levon: (opens trunk, which is filled with pudding) Now Barry, you must rub your tush in that pudding. |
|
| Barry: That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. |
|
| Levon: Just do it buddy. |
|
| Barry: Okay, but the cleaning bill's going to you. |
|
| Levon: Oh, You're bad. You are bad.. |
|
| Mother Ship: Barry, Levon. |
|
| B & L: Yes, mother ship? |
|
| Mother Ship: Shut up and rub your asses in that puddin'. |
|
| B & L: Okay. |
| Oh. Oh! Ahh. |
| (start rubbing their asses in the pudding..) |
| (music returns) |
| Awwww yeaaaah! |
|
| Levon: Barry baby, we back baby, with a knick-knack cadillac, give this dog a bone. |
|
| Barry: Over and...outta sight. |
|
| Shower 2 |
| Kerri: Kevin, have you still not found the soap yet? |
|
| Kevin: Not yet. I-I hope you enjoyed Barry and Levon. Umm...I was Barry. |
|
| Tom: No you weren't! |
|
| Kevin: Uh...no I wasn't, but I do have a big role in this next sketch, so if you think of it, check out my ass. |
|
| Roughing It |
|
| Kevin: (voice over- Oooh, there I am, that's me right there. Check it out.) |
| Who are you people? What are you doing!? |
|
| Tom: We're camping. |
|
| Kevin: In the middle of my living room? |
|
| Todd: No, I think we should be over here. Closer to the fresh water supply. |
|
| Tom: Yeah, we got a week's vacation, we figured we'd 'rough it.' You know, get away from it all. |
|
| Ken: Hey, great. These kinda mushrooms aren't poisonous. |
|
| Tom: Oh, good. |
|
| Kevin: What? Look, you can't stay here. |
|
| Todd: Yes can. We have a permit. |
|
| Tom: Hey, but it'll only be a week. We'll try not to get in the way. |
|
| ------DAY 1------ |
| Ken: (With bow and arrow) Don't move. |
| (shoots chair) Weee-hooo!!! |
|
| David: Hey, what does that one look like to you? |
|
| Ken: I don't know. It looks like a cloud. |
|
| David: No, use your imagination. It's a naked man, and he's got flowers over his crotch. |
|
| Ken: Where? |
|
| David: Here, look where I'm pointing. You see? |
|
| Mike S: Did you ever think that like, the stars that we're seeing actually like, blew up millions of years ago. |
|
| Mike B: Yes, yes, yes! |
|
| ------DAY 2------ |
| Kerri: (with fishing pole) I got him, I got him! |
| (reels in a box of frozen fish) |
|
| Kerri: (looking through binoculars) Oh, there's one of the locals. |
|
| Mike S: Ba-na-ne-na-ne-na-ne-na-ner. |
|
| ------DAY 3------ |
| Joe: (on top of refrigerator, holding up Todd by one arm) Hang on tiger! |
|
| Todd: Oh my God! Don't let me go!! |
|
| Joe: (drops Todd) Oh my God. (Gets frozen juice bar out of freezer.) |
|
| Mike B: I have a very Eastern concept of what God is. |
|
| Mike S: Do you mean like Connecticut? |
|
| Mike B: Yeah. |
|
| ------DAY 4------ |
| Mike B: We either need to get this fire lit, or turn down the air-conditioning. |
|
| Tom: We're lost. |
|
| Ben: We're not lost, we just have to keep going North. |
|
| Tom: We passed this couch three times already! |
|
| ------DAY 5------ |
| All: Gonna make banana fritters for the Lord |
| Gonna make banana fritters for the Lord |
| Gonna make banana fritters 'cause I heard Lord Jesus likes 'em |
| Gonna make banana fritters for the Lord. |
|
| ------DAY 6------ |
| Joe: (getting beers out of the bathtub, while Kevin is bathing) Excuse me...thanks...oh, I'm sorry... |
|
| Mike B: I've never been in love |
|
| Mike S: I was in love once with my cousin. |
|
| Mike B: That's really weird. |
|
| Mike S: Yeah, she's dead. |
|
| Mike B: That's cool. |
|
| ------LAST DAY------ |
| Mike B Remember we we put the aluminum foil in the microwave? |
|
| Todd: yeah. |
|
| Mike B: I thought we were goners! |
|
| Kevin: Well, vacation's over. You have a nice time? |
|
| Tom: You bet! I feel like a new man. |
|
| Kevin: (noticing men carrying out furniture) So, what are you doing, taking souvenirs? |
|
| Tom: No, better news. We quit our jobs and we're building a cabin. We got a permit. |
|
| Kevin: (sobs) |
|
| Mike J: (naked) Is uhh..this the nature colony? |
|
| Tom: Yeah! Come on in and say good-bye to society! |
|
| Mike J: All right. Just shut the door on you way out of here, man. |
|
| All: Gonna boil up a hot dog for the Lord. |
| Gonna boil up a hot dog 'cause I heard Lord Jesus likes 'em |
| Gonna boil up a hot dog for the Lord. |
| Gonna order out some mushi for the Lord... |
|
| Barney McMacken |
|
| Barney (Kevin): Afraid to walk the streets alone? I'm not. I'm Barney McMacken. And at the McMacken School of Self-Defense, I'll teach you how |
| to handle the streets the way that tells crooks, "You don't even wanna come near me." You'll learn all my special methods. Like the Bollatle |
| Caveman Technique. |
| Gh.gh.gh..We-ooo! We-oo! gh... |
|
| Also, the Joan Baez Fan Routine |
| Kumbaya My Lord, Kumbaya!!!! |
|
| So don't delay. Classes also start this month for old Where Did All These Leeches Come From Schpeil. |
| Ahh! The leeches, the leeches!!! Ahh! |
|
| So sign up with the McMacken School of Self-Defense, and learn to outscare the scaries away. |
|
| Old Lighthouse Jeffers |
|
| (door knocks) |
| Jeffers (Tom): Hold your horses, hold your horses... |
|
| Joe: Hi. Sorry to bother you so late. Our car broke down a mile up the road. We saw your lighthouse, we were wondering if we could use your |
| phone. |
|
| Jeffers: You boys got caught in a nareastar (?) I'm Old Lighthouse Jeffers, always willing to help a friend in need. |
|
| Mike S: Oh, great. |
|
| Jeffers: Make yourselves comfortable, phone's over there. |
|
| Ken: Thanks! |
|
| Jeffers: Well, where are you boys coming from? |
|
| Mike S: New York. |
|
| Jeffers: Albany? |
|
| Mike S: Uhh..no. New York City. |
|
| Jeffers: Oh, sure sure. New York City. Got a lotta S&M bars down there, don't they? |
|
| Joe: Sorry? |
|
| Jeffers: S&M bars. you know, Sado Masochism? Got a lotta them bars down there, don't they? |
|
| Mike S: Yeah... I guess they do. |
|
| Jeffers: Yep. I reckon a fellow can't swing a dead cat without hitting a Sado Masochism bar down there. |
|
| Joe: Hmm. |
|
| Mike S: Hmm. |
|
| Ken: It's gonna be a while guys The tow truck's on another job. |
|
| Jeffers: I was just talking to your friends here about Sado Masochism. |
|
| Ken: Really? |
|
| Jeffers: Yep. I reckon a fellow could take a cab down there to New York City, find himself half a dozen clubs that cater to the S&M crowd, where he |
| could get a good spanking from a dominatrix...maybe a scrotal clamping... |
|
| Ken: Hmm. |
|
| Mike S: Is there like a hotel we could go to? |
|
| Joe: Yeah, nearby. |
|
| Tom: Oh, it's thirty miles to town. You'll never make it. That's how they got Old Festus Wilkens. |
|
| Ken: Who-who---who got who? |
|
| Jeffers: Festus Wilkins. They got him good! |
|
| Joe: Hmm. |
|
| Ken: Hmm. |
|
| Mike S: Hmm. |
|
| Jeffers: Anyway, do you have to be a member of any of those S&M clubs? I suppose you boys are all probably members. |
|
| Ken: Well, we usually go to sports bar type places. |
|
| Jeffers: S&M sports? |
|
| Ken: No, like uhh..bars where they show like, football on T.V. |
|
| Jeffers: Well, takes all kinds I guess. Would you boys like to see something unusual? |
|
| Joe: You know what? We should probably wait by the car, in case someone shows up. |
|
| Ken: Yeah, yeah. We don't want to trouble you anymore. |
|
| Jeffers: All right. Well, suit yourself. If you need anything, you know where I am. Can't miss me, I'm in the lighthouse! |
| Get it? |
|
| All: Oh yeah! |
|
| Ken: You're the guy in the lighthouse. |
|
| Mike S: Well, listen...uhh..thanks for all your help. Good night! |
|
| Jeffers: All right, good night, boys. Have fun at the sports bars. Well, takes all kinds I guess. Takes all kinds. |
|
| Tow Truck Guy (Mike J): You fellows call for a tow? |
|
| Joe: Yeah, uh-huh. Oh, thank God. |
|
| Tow Truck Guy: (Emerges from truck wearing leather-bondage stuff) Sorry it took me so long. I know you were stranded up there at Old Lighthouse |
| Jeffers'. His bulb ain't runnin' too bright if you know what I mean. I mean he's crazy! But...takes all kinds, takes all kinds. |
|
| Ken: Hmm. |
|
| Mike S: Hmm. |
|
| Joe: Hmm. |
|
| The Personal State |
|
| Mike B: Hi, we're The State. You know, we've been on the air for over a year now, and we realize that many of you still don't really know who we |
| are. So, I thought, tonight, we could all come out and say our names, and then to make it more interesting, a little something personal about |
| ourselves. I'll start. I'm Michael Ian Black, but my real name's Michael Schwartz, which I changed because I'm ashamed of being Jewish. You see |
| how that works? Okay, Ken- |
|
| Ken: Hi, I'm Ken Marino. |
|
| Mike B: And now say something personal about yourself. |
|
| Ken: No. |
|
| Mike B: Okay, Ken's feeling a little shy about saying something personal, and I don't wanna push him, because he'll hit me, right? |
|
| Ken: Yeah. |
|
| Mike B: Anybody wanna go? |
|
| Joe: I'll go. I'm a- Joe LoTruglio, founder of Je Koon Do (?), way of the fist, and I fled to this country from Hong Kong after killing a man. |
|
| Mike B: Now see? That's personal. Of course, that's not your story, it's Bruce Lee's story. Tom, you've got a lot of problems to talk about. for |
| example, you are on-- |
|
| Tom: Speed. |
|
| Mike B: Oh, I was gonna say probation. |
|
| Tom: hahaha! Whatever, whatever. |
|
| Mike B: Ben, would you like to go? |
|
| Ben: Nope. |
|
| Mike B: Well, just to keep things moving, I'll say one more personal thing abut myself. Often times, during sex, I cannot maintain an erection. |
|
| Kerri: It's true. |
|
| Mike B: Kerri, would you like to go? |
|
| Kerri: I don't have anything to talk about. |
|
| Mike B: Well, you could talk about how they took away your baby when you were in rehab. |
|
| Kerri: You mean our baby, Michael? |
|
| Mike B: That's personal. And something of a surprise. Well, that's that's about enough for tonight, I think. We've all learned a great deal tonight |
| about...me. And so- |
|
| David: They don't know about your crabs. |
|
| Mike B: --thanks for watching, and a-- |
|
| (Who is this?): Have you talked about your hairpiece yet? |
|
| Mike S: Or about how you stole Captain Monterey Jack from the Carol Burnett Show? |
|
| Mike B: --and enjoy the a-- |
|
| Kerri: Why don't you want to see our baby, Michael? He looks a lot like you. |
|
| Mike B: Enjoy the show! |
|
| Ben: He ran over a kid once, when he was drunk! |
|
| Mike S: He's got webbed feet. |
|
| Ken: Tell them about your glass eye, Mike. Tell them about your glass eye, Mike! |
|
| Drugs |
|
| Kerri: Kenny, what are we doing over here? |
|
| Kenny (Joe): Keep it down, I don't want anyone to know. |
|
| Kerri: Know what? |
| (He shows her a pack of cigarettes) Whoa. Where'd you get those? |
|
| Kenny: From my dad's bedroom. Here, try one. |
|
| Tom: As you may know, this type of scene is not uncommon to today's youth. |
|
| Mike S: At this very moment, children are pressuring each other to try cigarettes, alcohol, and drugs. |
|
| Kevin: (pops out of garbage bag) For many of these children, this will be just the beginning of a possible life of crime or addiction. |
|
| Ken: (jumps down from a platform) Or worse. It could eventually lead to death. |
|
| Mike B: (Being carried by Mike J) And much too often, it does. |
|
| Ben: It's really bad. |
|
| David: Really bad! |
|
| Todd: (nods.) |
|
| Mike B: How was I? |
|
| All: Good, good. |
|
| Tom: Hey, there's a kid on South St. trying to get his friend drunk on booze. |
|
| All: Hey! |
|
| Mike B: I'm there! How's my tie look? |
|
| Ken: What about something like uhh.. these kids who drink the booze-- |
|
| Rug Brothers |
|
| Hostess (Kerri): Can I get you some coffee? |
|
| Mike S: Sure. |
|
| Ben: Nice place. |
|
| Host (Tom): So this is the new place, what do you think? |
|
| Ben and Mike S: AH! |
|
| Ben: Oh my God, what a beautiful rug! |
|
| Tom: Oh, yeah. We found it at an estate sale. It's nice, isn't it? |
|
| Mike S: Nice? It's incredible! |
|
| Ben: How dare you refer to a rug like this as just nice! (punches him) it's the most fabulous rug I've ever seen! |
|
| Mike S: You say you found the rug at an estate sale. Tell us all about it. About the whole thing! |
|
| Dad?: Well, we were just out at the Hamptons. |
|
| Ben: AAH!! Enough of this malarchy! Tell us about the rug! Where were you when you first beheld it? Were you blinded? Did it's glory blind |
| you!?! (Head butts him) |
|
| Mike S: (punches him) |
|
| Mom?: Coffee's ready. |
|
| Mike S: Ahh! (Knocks her over) |
| YOU SPILLED IT ON THE RUG! |
|
| Ben: I'm going to make love to this floor covering. Right here, and right now! |
|
| Mike S: I'm gonna write an opera for it! |
| Chip, lights off. |
|
| Ben: Then I couldn't see the rug, romantic boon. |
| Oh baby, oh baby! |
|
| Mike S: I love the rug. |
|
| Mom?: Okay you two, but before you leave you have to see the Sama Bar (?) we purchased for the dining room last week. |
|
| Boys: AHHHH! |
|
| Mike S: Ah! Ah! Ah! |
|
| Ben: Oh my God, it's so tasteful. It's a perfect compliment to any home! |
|
| Mike S: oh my God! |
|
| Dad?: And you thought they wouldn't like the rug! |
|
| Mom: Ah! (Kicks him.) |
|
| Porcupine Racetrack |
|
| Tom: Okay, here's the deal. MTV asked us specifically to please not to do this skit, but we really like it. We think it'll be ten times more popular |
| than that guy who says "I'm outta here." So now, for your viewing enjoyment, a little something we like to call, "Porcupine Racetrack." |
|
| Porcupine, porcupine, porcupine racetrack. |
| Porcupine, porcupine, porcupine racetrack. |
| Porcupine, porcupine, porcupine racetrack. |
| Watch them porcupines go! |
|
| Go you porcupines, go, go, go! |
| Go you porcupines, don't be slow! |
| Go you porcupines, go, go, go! |
|
| Or I'll lose lots of dough. |
|
| It's a marvelous day, at the Porcupine Racetrack. |
| We'll watch them little porkies run. |
| The sun, the track, and porcupines. |
|
| The recipe for fun. |
|
| Racing form Mr. Johnson? |
| Why thank you Jimmy. Here, get yourself a licorice whip. |
|
| Have I got a pick for you boys! |
| This porcupine has to win. |
| He's strong and fast and ready. |
| And loaded up with gin. |
|
| I'm putting my dough on Lightning, cause it says that he's a sure thing |
| And the odds are 5 to 4... |
| But boy I hope that he's not slow or otherwise then this here Joe will be back on skid row! |
|
| I know that I'm a sinner, but I really need a winner, or the orphanage will close. |
| So God if you're above, and it's orphans that you love, then please help the porcupine I chose. |
|
| I'm the slowest porcupine in town, but knowing that don't get me down. It's just that they don't see. So when |
| they blow that whistle, I will move my little bristles cause there's nothing stopping me! |
|
| At the Porcupine, Porc-upine, |
| Racetraaack, Racetraaaaaaack. |
|
| Ahh! Aaaaaahhhhhhhhh..... |
|
| |
|
|
|
