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| Narcolepsy Today |
|
| Kevin: Hello, and welcome to Narcolepsy Today. (Falls asleep) |
|
| Race |
|
| Dad (Mike S): Aw, Gosh. Growing up is hard, Timmy. I was little once too, you know. |
|
| Timmy (Ben): Thanks Dad. |
|
| Dad: Hey, what do you say, I race you home? All right? |
|
| Timmy: Yeah! |
| Hey, hey, hey. |
|
| Dad: Oh! Can you catch up to me, Timmy? |
|
| Timmy: I'm gonna catch up! I'm gonna beat ya! |
|
| Dad: Oh, no you're not. You're not beatin' this old man... |
|
| Timmy: I'm gonna win, I'm gonna win, I'm gonna win, I'm gonna win! |
|
| (Race gets nastier) |
|
| Timmy: I really looked up to you, Dad! |
|
| Dad: It's a tough world, Timmy. |
| Give it up Timmy! you can't win. Don't you see that? |
|
| Timmy: Go to Hell, Dad! |
|
| Dad: How about I meet you there? |
|
| Timmy: Arrghh! |
|
| Dad: All's fair in love and war, Timmy. |
|
| Timmy: Which one is this, Dad? |
|
| Dad: Both. |
|
| (fist-fight occurs at the final stretch) |
| (Dad wins the race) |
|
| Dad: You'll be a man someday, Timmy! |
|
| Grandpa (Ken): So will you, sucker! |
|
| Dad: Dad? |
|
| Timmy: Grandpa? |
|
| Grandpa: Eat my dust, losers! Boys will be boys. Let's get it on, mother. |
|
| Howard Report |
|
| Chuck (Mike B): Good evening, and welcome to the Howard Report, where each week we discuss topics of national interest with men named |
| Howard. Joining me tonight is Howard Neathe, a clothing designer from New York. |
|
| Howard N (Joe): Good evening. |
|
| Chuck: And Howard Roland, and unemployed factory worker from Lansing Michigan. |
|
| Howard R (Mike J): Hey. |
|
| Chuck: Topic: Should the chairman of the Federal Reserve raise interest rates to stave off inflation, or lower them to spur the economy? Howard? |
|
| Howard N: I have no idea. |
|
| Howard R: Could I have another milkshake? |
|
| Chuck: Maybe. Joining me now is Howard Walker, ex-marine and body-builder, convicted of selling anabolic steroids to third-grade girls. Mr. |
| Walker, should the postal system be privatized? |
|
| Howard W (Ken): I don't know. |
|
| Chuck: To my far right is Dr. Howard Pollick, professor of economics, and amateur circus clown. Dr. Pollick! |
|
| Howard P (Ben): Call me Howard! |
|
| Chuck: Does violence on film create violence in society?!!! |
|
| Howard P: You're asking the wrong guy! Would you like a marshmallow!? |
|
| Chuck: Doing the crab-walk is Henry O. Washington Anson Radcliff Davis. Take the first letters of all his names, it spells Howard! |
|
| Henry (Tom): (doing the crab-walk) hello! |
|
| Chuck: I have no questions for him. |
| And finally, in a little swimming pool, wearing one of these, Nelson "Howie" Wright. Architect, and creator of this: Nyah! |
|
| Nelson: Nyah! |
|
| Chuck: And I'm Chuck Worthman. Next week, we discuss Mexico's role in a global economy with several men, and one little girl, named |
| Howard. This has been the Howard Report, as always, a complete waste of time! |
|
| H's & M's |
|
| (Halloween music plays, and characters are dressed kinda like vampires.) |
|
| Mike S: Welcome to our home, or shall we say...Mome! |
|
| Kerri: You see, in this world, all the words that start with "H" now start with "M." |
|
| Mike B: In this world, your bloodiest organ is no longer your heart, but your meart! |
|
| All: Ma ma ma ma ma! |
|
| Kerri: The 31st president is not Herbert Hoover, but Merbert Moover! |
|
| Mike S: And Fonzie, played by Menry Winkler, would be on Mappy Days. |
|
| All: Ma ma ma ma ma! |
|
| Mike B: Oh, the morror! |
|
| All: The morror! Ma ma ma ma ma. |
|
| Slinky's |
|
| Jimmy (Mike S): (Playing with stuffed animals) |
| You're a giraffe. And you're a frog. Well, you're a giraffe! |
| Well, hello there, and what can we do you for? |
|
| Kevin: I'm looking for a fun toy for my kids. |
|
| Jimmy: Sir, may I recommend to you, the Slinky. |
|
| Kevin: Sure, that sounds interesting. |
|
| Jimmy: Jane, get a Slinky! |
|
| Jane (Kerri): Hello, my little chickadee. What I'm holding here is a standard issue metal Slinky. |
|
| Jimmy: And I, my fine feathered friend have in my possession a newer model. Behold! the plastic Slinky. It's bigger, and you can fit it on you |
| fore-arrem! |
|
| Jane: Look, he's a robot. |
|
| Jimmy: Hey, dude...I'm...a...robot. |
|
| Jane: So Monsieur La Woody Woodpecker, what do you think so farrr? |
|
| Kevin: I'm interested. |
|
| J & J: Welcome to the ever-expanding universe of Slinky! |
|
| Jane: Observe! I'm un elephant! |
|
| Jimmy: Ahoy! I'm an inchworm inna your hond! |
|
| Jane: Well, what's that over there? |
|
| Jimmy: It's pop coming a-yoot my butt! |
|
| Jane: Bird-boy, watch. It's hair! It's Slinky hair! |
|
| Jimmy: It's a very fine neck-layce! |
|
| Jane: Don't be a-feared, it's a belt. |
|
| Jimmy: I love yower-a belt, Jane! |
|
| Jane: Why, thank you Jimmy. |
|
| Kevin: Does it go down stairs? |
|
| J & J: I can't hear you! |
|
| Kevin: DOES IT GO DOWN STAIRS? |
|
| J & J: Alone or in pairs! It's Slinky, It's Slinky. For fune, it's a wonderful turr! |
|
| Kevin: Wow! You guys are pretty good. |
|
| Jimmy: You're darn right we are, worm-eater. We are the two-time defending national Slinky champ-ions! |
|
| Jane: Jeffery, put on the music! |
|
| (They perform this slinky routine that you've just gotta see...) |
|
| Jimmy: So, what do you say, he who vomits to feed your children? |
|
| Kevin: I gotta tell ya, I love the demonstration, but I'm really gonna have to think about it, okay? Thanks anyway. |
| Caw! Caw! Caw! Caw! Caw! Caw! (goes out the door and...umm...flies...kind of.) |
|
| Jane: Those damn birds. They always look, but they never buy. |
|
| (Kevin joins other "Birds" (Men) in a nest.) |
|
|
| Hot Dogs |
|
| (David and Ken are out in a big empty field. David is lounging in a beach chair. Ken is at a hot-dog stand. A hot dog hits David in the face.) |
|
| David: Excuse me. |
|
| Ken: What? |
|
| David: Would you stop throwing hot dogs in my face? |
|
| Ken: I'm not. (whistles) |
|
| (Another hot dog hits David) |
| David: Stop it! |
|
| Ken: I'm not throwing anything, calm down! |
|
| David: Of course you are, there's nobody else here! |
|
| Ken: Listen buddy, I don't know what your problem is, but you're DISRUPTING MY BUSINESS! |
|
| ------Hot Dog missile launching facility, somewhere in Nevada------ |
| (That's not an exact quote, I'll look that up later.) |
|
| Mike B: Ready? Fire! |
|
| David: STOP IT! |
|
| Ken: WHAT?!!! |
|
| Tenement |
|
| Kevin: In an effort to "class up" the show a bit, the State is proud to present the following scene from William Maguire's prize-winning modern |
| drama, Tenement, the story of an unemployed dockworker who is forced to move in with his alcoholic father, and with his wife, who refuses him a |
| divorce. Now, we did have to soften the language a bit for television, but we feel the message of the piece still rings clear. Ladies and gentlemen, |
| Tenement. |
|
| Husband (Ken): Aren't you gonna ask how my day was? |
|
| Wife (Kerri): How was your day? |
|
| Husband: Poopie. Another poopie day. I took number two from every dum-dum in this mickey-fickey neighborhood today. Thanks for asking, |
| dummyhead. |
|
| Wife: I'm not taking any more of your fudging bull-puckey, you cock-eyed fellow! I took it from my screwy flick of a father, and I'm not gonna take |
| it from a poop--who's too weinerless to fight for his own stinky job! |
|
| Husband: You pineapple! You fudgey cootie! They gave my job to fudge-eating nickel pickers, and I come home... |
|
| Father (Ben): (wakes up) Both of you--Dick Traceys, cut the sheep dip! I don't wanna join you asphalts in your tinkle-tinkle contest, but this is my |
| spithouse! Even if it's a messy mess. And if you two fox-plucking bozos can't..aah..cut the ..doo doo...oh, turds. (clutching chest, and falls to the |
| ground) |
| Fudgesicle. |
|
| Husband: Poop! Poop poop poop poop poopie poo poo! |
|
| Wife: Johnny. |
|
| Husband: No, it's my fault. I killed the old fork-and-spoon raspberry. Darn me to H-E-double-hockey-sticks! I'm not worth farty nonsense. |
|
| Wife: It's all right. We may just be two sacks of fogged up crappola, but we have each other, and we can take all the stinky this world dishes out! |
| Come on, let's get milk-faced and hum like rabbits. |
|
| Both: (pouring milk on their faces and hopping around like rabbits) hmm hmmhmm... |
|
| Cleaners |
|
| Old weird guy (David): Johnson's free and fresh dry-cleaning establishment, it's more than just a dry-cleaners. It's also a naked party. Cast off the |
| shackles of modern society as we cast out tough stains other dry-cleaners will leave behind. Uhh! Lose a button? We'll sew one on as you tie one |
| on with some of our naked regulars. Repairs and alterations in a matter of moments while you party down in the company of other tired, naked |
| gentlemen. Also, complimentary wine and cheese curls. So come to Johnson's free and fresh dry cleaning establishment. It's like having someone |
| else wash your clothes while you have a naked party. |
|
| Announcer: Johnson's. Leave your stains and inhibitions behind. |
|
| Hallmark |
|
| Bob (Mike B): You've heard the expression, "Families that pray together stay together." What about families that work together? We're a family |
| that does just that. When Carol and I first met, we both had corporate jobs, but we got tired of the rat race, because we are not rats- we're people! |
|
| Carol (Kerri): So now we work at home, where we design inspirational posters for a major greeting card company. I'm most proud of the "Hang in |
| There" series. |
|
| Bob: That's the one where the kitten is hanging from the tree limb by one little paw, and the caption says... |
|
| Carol: Hang in there. |
|
| Bob: Hang in there. |
|
| Carol: 'Cause the best sayings all come in threes. Hang in there, you know, I love you. |
|
| Bob: I love you. And that's no secret, either! |
|
| Carol: Eskimo kiss! |
|
| Bob: (alone) I have a lot of anger. towards Carol, the kids, but mostly at this guy. Me. I hate me. |
|
| Okay. Here's something we're working on now. We call it the- "The critter in a basket" series. |
|
| Carol: There's a different critter in a basket on every poster. It might be oh, a monkey, or a kitty. You know, just fuzzy things that are good to |
| hug! And it's guaranteed to warm your heart. |
|
| (alone) I fantasize about my death. A lot. About escaping from Bob and the kids, but mostly from Bob. it's hard, you know. He's a hard nut to |
| crack. |
|
| Bob: Being dead starts to sound pretty good...when you have nothing to live for. |
| (sniffing crayola magic markers) Wakey wakey, Bob. Wakey wakey. |
|
| Carol: Aren't these a couple of good-looking kids? You know, people ask us where we get our inspiration from, well mister, you're lookin' at 'em! |
|
| Bob: This is the work we're proudest of. Bob Junior, and little Peggy! |
|
| Bob Jr. (Kevin): I've told my Dad I wanna die. You know what he said? He said, "Welcome to the club, sport." |
|
| All: Michael row your boat ashore. |
| Alleluia |
|
| Bob: It's gonna be a good year for the Schwam family. We've got a new series that Bob Jr. designed. Why don't you tell them about it, Bob? |
|
| Carol: It's called "Love is gonna getcha!" And we're excited, 'cause that's what happened to us. |
|
| Bob: Love got us, and it never let go. |
|
| Monkeys Do It II |
|
| Announcer: Last time they talked about the monkeys doin' it. This time, they're having a different conversation, and the basement's a little bit |
| bigger. Coming soon, in fact, right now! |
|
| Tony (Ken): Uncle Vinny, how come I gotta eat Thanksgiving dinner down here at the little kids' table still? |
|
| Vinny (Kevin): Because all you's do is yell, and I want some peace and quiet up here while I drink, now SHUT UP! |
|
| Tony: All I'm sayin' is, I don't wanna- |
|
| Vinny: SHUUT UUUP!!! |
|
| Tony: (To some kid) shut up. |
|
| Joey (Joe): Hey, Ma...could we eat yet? |
|
| Ma (Tom): Hey, hey hey! Nobody touch nothin' until and Geri and Uncle Butch get here! You touch-a the food, I cut off your hand, I give it to |
| the dog. |
|
| Anthony (Mike S): Hey Gina, thanks for gracin' us wit' your abnormal presence. |
|
| Gina (Kerri): Shut up. Me and Sherry was workin' wit' Ma in the kitchen. |
|
| Tony: Uh, uh...what's Sherry doin' here? Don't she have no family? |
|
| Gina: Sherry's parents don't celebrate Thanksgiving, 'cause they say that after they had Sherry, they got nothing to be thankful for. |
|
| Sherry (Todd): Yeah! |
|
| Tony: Yeah yeah, but what's she doin' in my home on this Italian holiday? |
|
| Joey: Tony, Thanksgiving is an everybody holiday. |
|
| Tony: Oh, oh, oh. Bite your tongue! It's not an everybody holiday, it's an Italian holiday, and if Columbus heard you say that, he'd beat the crap |
| outta you! |
|
| Anthony: Tony's right, Joey. Christopher Columbus was world-renowned for beatin' wit' his fist anybody who was not Italian on his holiday. |
|
| Joseph (Mike B): That's not true, because Columbus himself did not celebrate his holiday until his death! Nobody did, because the calendar was |
| not invented until thousands of years later. |
|
| Gina: Bingo! |
|
| Joey: In conclusion, due to that fact, Thanksgiving is an everybody holiday. Read your Bible. |
|
| Sherry: Yeah! |
|
| Gina: Ma, Joey's eatin' the meatball! |
|
| Ma: Hey, hey! Give me the meat-a ball! |
|
| Vinny: GIVE YOUR MOTHER THE MEATBALL! |
|
| Ma: Next person who touch-a the food, I swear before God, I will make a call...I will have you killed. |
|
| Vinny: When you's old enough to gamble, you can sit upstairs. But until that time, as the good Lord said, SHUT UP!! |
|
| Joseph: Hey Aunt Geri. |
|
| All: HEY!! |
|
| Aunt Geri (David): Hey, Happy Thanksgiving. We brought some extra meatballs in case we run out. |
|
| Uncle Butch (Ben): I brought you some cigarettes. Don't tell your mother, don't tell your mother. |
|
| Tony: (Helping Butch up the stairs--he's in a wheelchair) Let me give you a hand. |
| Hey, Uncle Butch, next time bring nonfiltered, all right? |
| Oh, could we eat now? Everybody's here, Ma! |
|
| (Butch falls down the stairs) |
| Butch: I'm okay! I landed on my neck, I'm fine. |
|
| Anthony: Uncle Butch, let me help you get back in your chair. |
|
| Butch: Hey hey, Anthony. I can do it! (Gets up and walks back to his wheelchair) |
|
| Ma: Oh, thank God he's okay. We got so many things to be thankful for. |
| When I first come to this country from Sicily, I had only a pickle and a piece of string. And now we have so much. I'm so thankful, mostly for my |
| family. Tony, Anthony, Joey, Joseph, Gina, and even you Sherry, even though you're so so stupid. |
|
| Sherry: Yeah! |
|
| Ma: How can you even find the door, you so stupid? But mostly I'm thankful for that his holiness, the Pope-a, who was shot...did not die! |
|
| Tony: Ma, that was fifteen years ago. |
|
| Ma: Shut your mouth, you diss-a the Pope-a! |
| Anthony, it's too loud, close the door. |
|
| Anthony: Go. get outta here! Go on. |
|
| Joseph: Ma, now could we eat? |
|
| Ma: Now let's-a eat. |
|
| All: Pass the meatball... |
|
